90+ Funny Pictures & Funny Jokes! ideas | funny pictures

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Dick's Adventures is a fun picture book for adults who love penis jokes and adult comedy. Perfect as a humorous gift for men (and women!), it takes a hilarious and suggestive look at the adventures of one penis who wants to become famous but doesn’t know where he will fit in.
https://preview.redd.it/7bkbgrm007n51.png?width=940&format=png&auto=webp&s=4bac5c9430e142a22c41e58adcb44360d968bbc0

Dick's Adventures is a fun picture book for adults who love penis jokes and adult comedy. Perfect as a humorous gift for men (and women!), it takes a hilarious and suggestive look at the adventures of one penis who wants to become famous but doesn’t know where he will fit in.
Fun picture book for adults who love penis jokes and adult comedy.
Get you copy here https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08GY5R6CT

So for reasons I won’t go into, I was kicked out of home at 17 and absolutely could not go back; this post is a bit long but I hope it helps someone. So, without further ado, here are the three life skills I wish I’d learned before that happened.
​
How to manage money:
This one is important and it can be the difference between you eating and not eating. If you find yourself on your own without a plan, an unexpected bill can really mess you up. I was hit by one not long after my 18th birthday when my car blew up and I basically didn’t have food for four days. Don’t be me, learn from my mistakes.
This is the system I came up with after that and it hasn’t failed me since:

1. Write down all your bills (other than rent) such as phone, internet, electricity, car insurance etc. These will all be billed at different intervals so break them down into weeks.

E.g. if your internet is $40 per month, that’s roughly $10 per week.

Once all of your bills are in weeks, add them up to figure out how much money you need to put aside per week to pay them. If you are paid weekly, great! Put that amount aside in a bank account called _BILLS_ as soon as you get paid. If you are paid fortnightly, double it and do the same thing. It’s not rocket science, but it works.

1. Rent! No one wants to be homeless, so this is pretty damn important. Honestly, I should move it to #1 but I’m lazy.

Same as BILLS, put this aside in a bank account called RENT as soon as you are paid. If you are paid weekly, put one week’s worth aside. If you are paid fortnightly, put two weeks worth aside. You get the picture.
Note: there is an added bonus to doing it like this. If your landlord ever tries to say you missed a payment, you have all of your dated transactions in one easily searchable account. One of my landlords once lost a week of my rent and tried to bill me for it a second time. With good records you can tell them to go fuck themselves take a hike.
For both RENT and BILLS use automatic transfers or direct debits where possible. They make life easier, save time, and you’ll never miss a payment.
Money Part 2: Electric Boogaloo
Now that you’ve done that, you have an idea of what’s left over after you get paid. We aren’t done yet though. You don’t have a savings account or an “oh fuck” account. Let’s fix that.

1. Oh, fuck: your crazy housemate pissed in the fridge, slashed your tyres, and what’s worse, drank your milk without replacing it. Jokes on them though, you pissed in the milk first. Still, what an asshole.

However it happens, sometimes shit just goes wrong. That’s when you need an Oh, Fuck^TM account.
Look at any weekly expenses you have left, these will most likely be groceries and petrol/gas plus a few other random things. Total those up and use them as a baseline to give yourself a weekly “wage”. Anything above this, put into your Oh Fuck account until you have enough to last a couple of months if shit really hits the fan.
Now that you’ve done that, never touch this account unless you really bloody well have to. Have it with a different bank if necessary, and definitely do not have a card linked to it. This is your lifeline, don’t waste it on a bloody sofa (or a clean one, for that matter).

1. You thought we were done? Haha, nah fam. Being an adult is long and tedious. Next up is SAVINGS. Once you have gotten your Oh Fuck account to an acceptable level start putting most of your excess here instead. This is the account you will use for new shoes & clothes (you fucking Diva) or luxuries like entertainment and other non essential items.

It’s okay to spend from this account where necessary, but for any bigger purchases wait a week or so and see if you still want it. People have shit judgement when they impulse buy, and statistically you and I are no different. Yay?

1. General Account: this is the account you get paid into, and the account you weep over as you transfer away bills, rent, savings, and Oh Fuck money. The only money you want in here is your weekly wage (mentioned above). If you don’t get paid weekly and tend to eat into next week’s wage, consider keeping next week’s wage in your savings account until the new week. Anything left over at the end of the pay cycle should be moved to Savings or Oh Fuck depending on what you’re trying to build up.
   
2. Bonus: this isn’t a big one, but I like it. Every time you want to order takeaway, cook instead and earmark the money you would have spent as guilt free you money. It adds up surprisingly quickly and you can use it to buy things that you’ll enjoy more in the long term.
   

​
How to cook (properly):
This one should be obvious, but eating out is really expensive long term. If your parents are any good at cooking, ask them to teach you before you move out. The earlier the better, trust me. I was half decent, but I wish I’d learned a lot more.
If they aren’t, the internet is an amazing resource. I recommend buying one GOOD knife rather than a set of knives and some stainless steel pots. Treat them well and they will last you forever. Non stick are convenient, but you can say goodbye if a metal utensil even looks at them funny. Hot oil in a hot stainless steel pan = non stick anyway.
General cooking tips:-Onions and garlic are you friends, they are cheap but make things taste less poor.

• Frozen vegetables are just as nutritious as fresh ones and don’t turn into a pile of slush at the back of your fridge if you forget about them.
• Fuck instant noodles, they aren’t as cheap as you think they are. Memes aside, they aren’t worth it.
• Rice is cheap in 5kg sacks and lasts you ages. Use two cups of water for every one cup of rice. Bring it to the boil, then turn the stove off and forget about it for 20 minutes with a lid on. Bam, perfect fucking rice every fucking time.
• Eggs are a godsend. Cheap, filling, and really damn good for you. Eat when possible.
• Canned beans are also a godsend. Cheap as hell, and you can add them to things like curries or pasta sauce to add protean and bulk them out.
• Spices are literally the spice of life. Get a whole bunch and never look back.
• You can buy big cheap bottles of pasta sauce for less than $2 and make them nice by frying some onion and garlic first and cooking some veggies and beans in them for a while.
• Make big meals and freeze the extras if you have space. It really helps on the days you’re exhausted by life.

​
No one cares about you (and that’s a good thing)
Hear me out here. I was so self conscious when I first moved out of home that I was terrified of looking like an idiot. I never had a dad so I put off buying fucking shaving cream and a razor in case I got the “wrong(?)” ones and the clerk thought I was stupid or something. Speaking to my female friends, they detailed similar stories about buying feminine hygiene essentials. Plot twist: outside of a few friends and family members no one gives a shit about you. The Clerk will forget you exist after about five minutes, and if your friends give you crap you can just get better friends.
I know this one is easier said than done, but try and keep things in perspective. What’s the worst that could happen? Usually it’s actually nothing. They don’t care if you buy shaving cream or pads, and if someone thinks you look weird crawling around for a good photo, fuck em. Your photos are probably better than theirs anyway.
​
So uh, yeah, that’s it. Those are the three things I wish I’d known before getting kicked out of home: no one cares about you, cooking is good (and might even land you a girlfriend/boyfriend), and managing money is important. Who’da thunk it.
​
Edits:
I'm really glad this seems to be reaching the people who need it, or will need it. I just came back to 300+ comments so do forgive me for answering some common questions here:

Where are you from?

Here I was thinking that all the swearing would have given me away. Maybe I should have said brah or cunt, but I tend to avoid the latter since it is an absolute cunt of a word. Anyway, If you ask that I'll have to hand you a Vegemite sandwich. Don't tempt me, its a national sport for us.

Are you doing better now?

Yes, thanks for asking! I completed my university studies mid this year whereupon I graduated into a global pandemic. Or didn't, since we weren't allowed to have graduations... Still, I'm proud of myself.

How will cooking get me a girlfriend/boyfriend?

Worked for me. I had a housemate going through hard times so I always "accidentally" cooked extra so she could have some. She knew I was full of it of course, and she still does. Worst comes to worst, you can have a nice meal to cry alone over just like old times. Basically, no warranties, guarantees or batteries included with this one.

Can I share this?

By all means, I wrote this to help people so feel free to spread my profanity far and wide.

The human gazed at the aliens around him and knew, just knew, he was in a LOT of trouble.
They were not much to look at. Small. Furry. Possessing faintly rodent like features. Their powerful hindlegs had them leaping quite large distances. When humans first encountered this species their initial impression was of some kind of hybrid of Kangaroos, harvest mice and Hobbits.
Their gentle and passive nature and their habit of communal sleeping had led humans to call them ‘Dormice’ out of affection.
The human wanted, very much wanted, to go back home and inform his fellow humans that this was a bad idea. A very bad idea.
The Yucani did not appreciate the term. The Yucani did not appreciate a lot of things. Mostly, right now, this group of about 400 of them did not appreciate him.
Their angry chirps and trills grow in intensity as they hopped angrily around him. Younger males would seemingly leap towards him at high speed, before landing close with a furious hissing noise. While the human could speak Yucani, he could barely understand them as they trilled so quickly. He held up his hands in what he hoped was a universal sign of surrender.
The human may not have been an expert on Yucani culture, but he was fairly sure he knew what a lynch mob looked like. The mass of small creatures had cornered him against a wall and continued to gaze at him balefully. Each passing moment they seemed to increase in anger, in their aggression, in their potential for violence.
A stone slammed into the wall besides him.
Three things happened immediately. The human saw the stones arrival seemed to give the Yucani the idea that this was a brilliant innovation.
Oh crap! They are going to stone me!
The largest Yucani in the mob, stood about seven feet away from him, suddenly removed a vicious looking knife, with a long serrated edge.
It’s gonna stab me!
And a roar of a Yucani constabulary patrol ship suddenly was heard, its distinctive sound causing many of the small creatures at the back to turn their heads.
The police! They’re gonna save me!
As the vechicle moved closer, more and more of the mob heard it and the human was very relieved to see that they didn’t start picking up rocks and the one with a knife, his large brown eyes filled with fury and rage, slowly returned the knife back to his clothing.
The craft landed, and six Yucani got out; their green uniforms were armoured, which made them look actually impressive (the human had long ago realised that only the larger members of the race were ever chosen for their constabulary).
They slowly hopped towards the mob, who had now turned and were trilling and squeaking in high pitched tones towards the newly arrived officers.
The human gulped down a breath of air. The sense of relief and gratitude he felt was immense. He was saved. As the officers made their way towards him, the crowd parting, he felt his legs go weak. He wanted to collapse. But he managed to hold it together long enough, to offer a grateful smile as one finally made his way towards him, dividing his fellow Yuanci like the Moses before the Red Sea.
“I am very happy to see you,” says the human, smiling down at the Yucani constabulary officer. It responds by removing a short grey metallic pole and jabbing it into the humans leg.
Pain. SO much pain. A searing, agonising, exploding pain that begins in his leg and races through every single nerve cluster in his body. The human convulses and screams, his bladder empties and he almost instantly drops into unconsciousness from the agony. He falls into a crumpled heap against the wall. The Yucani officer, ignoring the little cheer that had began from his fellow species, gazed down at the human with contempt and spat.
Two months later…
The young human, manacled and bound is thrown into the small conference room the aliens had built for this meeting. His eyes glance up and fall upon the first human face he had seen in many weeks.
“Oh God, thank you. Are you here to save me?”
The other human was in his fifties; his eyes bore the look of a man who had seen many things, perhaps too many. His suit was well made, sensible, if not slightly on the conservative side.
In response to the question he smiles gently and says, “Kid, I’m fairly sure only God can save you. But I am here to try and help with the mess you are in.”
Relief, mixed with wild joy fill the prisoners face. The younger man spots a chair to sit in (the room had the familiar setting of two human shaped chairs and a desk between them), and falls into it in a heap, his manacled hands landing heavily upon the table.
“Oh, thank you! You need to get me off this planet. The conditions I’ve been kept in have been awful. I am totally isolated. A hole in the ground with a large vent in the ceiling. They throw food down to me. The place stinks.”
The older man raises an eyebrow, “That’s good. You getting off lightly.”
“Lightly? The entire thing stinks like a sewer.”
“That’s because it probably IS a sewer,” shrugs the older man, reaching for a briefcase by his side.
“What?”
“Yucani prisons. They don’t incarcerate anyone but worst offenders on their world. The closest they have to prisons are specially made sewers.”
“That’s…”
“Tell me, have random Yucani been coming along and urinating and crapping into your cell as they pass?”
“What? No. That’s horrible.”
As the older man places his briefcase upon the table between them, he smiles a cold, tight smile, “The Yucani word for ‘prisoner’ literally translates into English as ‘Eaters of Our Shit’. I think the fact that they are throwing you human food and not pissing on you qualifies as light treatment.”
The younger man’s jaw just drops. A stunned look of absolute horror crosses his face. The older human uses this as an excuse to open his briefcase, remove a heafty file in a manilla cover out (it lands on the table with a satisfying heavy sound), closes the briefcase and places it on the floor besides him.
“Are you from the Embassy?”
“No. I just arrived in-world an hour ago. Four days at warp. My guts feel mushy.”
“Oh. Are you a lawyer?”
“I afraid not. Formally the excuse the Embassy will give you is there are no humans conversant in the intricacies of Yucani jurisprudence to be able to offer effective advice. Off the record? No lawyer in the entire solar system would touch your case. So, they sent me. I’m a specialist.”
“What in?”
“Apparently being human,” says the older man, who opens the folder and begins scanning the pages underneath. The younger man is too confused to say anything which suits the older one just fine. He glances up into the scared eyes of the prisoner.
“Andrew Montgomery Eversham, born 2118, Britain. British? Should have figured. Father was an engineer on Ares station, mother was… French. Well that explains much.”
“What does my mother have to do with anything?”
The older man gazes him up and down and asks, “Only child huh?”
“Yes. Why?”
“Thought so. Right, Mr Eversham. Do you know what they are charging you with?”
“No one has told me anything at all. I was performing, and the next thing I know I was being chased by a mob of angry Dormice, and then one of their police…”
“Yucani. Not Dormice.”
“What?” Eversham’s eyes widen, and he nods, “Yes, right. I know. I figured that out. But you know its just us here.”
“Saying Dormouse to describe a Yucani is like being home and using the word ‘Kike’. It’s a derogative term. An insult. Maybe not enough to get you punched, but we don’t do that.”
“Alright. Yes. I understand. I will try. Good job you ain’t Jewish eh?”
“Bad news I’m afraid. I am.”
“Oh.”
The older man scans through the documents and frowns.
“You are charged with a multitude of offenses. The first of which is Causing Great Disgust of Public Morals; Crude and Offensive Language; Heresy towards the Gods of the Yucani; Causing a Disturbance of the Peace… what were you doing?”
“I was doing my routine.”
“Routine?”
“I’m a comedian. Stand up.”
There was a raised eyebrow.
“You are comedian?”
“Yes.”
“And you caused this reaction?”
“Apparently.”
“Gonna say Kid, I’d work on your act.”
Eversham blinks and his face contorts with frustration, “Are you here to help me or not?”
The older man however just gazes at the file before him, “As well as the above you are charged with Inciting a Yucani to Wish to Commit Violence- this is a serious offense by itself, but they have charged you with inciting every individual in the crowd who heard you. So that’s 496 separate charges. And given each one carries a possible death sentence…”
“Death sentence? I could die?”
The older man smiles coldly across the table, “And we haven’t even gotten onto the serious allegations yet. So far, its just been the warm up. Now it says here that you perform under a different name.”
“Yeah. Abe Froman.”
“What?”
“Abe Froman. You know from that old movie.”
“What old movie?”
“A 20th century classic. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. The character of Abe Froman- the Sausage King of Chicargo? You must have heard of it?”
The older human raises his eyebrows high.
“No ‘Abe’ I haven’t. Neither have the Yucani. Which means they arrested someone called Abe Froman, only then to discover his real name is Andrew Eversham.”
“It’s my stage name.”
“The Yuctani don’t have concepts for ‘stage names’. All they know is a human arrived on planet with one name and then started using another name once here. And THIS is why they have charged you with espionage.”
“ESPIONAGE!!?”
“Yes. Specifically, because of the two names thing. And THEN because they think you are some kind of human agent, but don’t know what exactly you could have been up to, they assume the worst and charged you with everything they think you COULD have been here to do. That’s what the rest of the folder is.”
Andrew gazes at the thick pages with a look of absolute terror. The older humans eyes begin scanning; “So, from the top, ‘Suspected of Wishing to Assassinate the Emperor of the Yucani; Suspected of wishing to Assassinate the Chancellor of the Emperor of the Yucani…”
He moves forward a few pages.
“Suspected of wishing to put poison in the water supply of the cities of Heshis and Jebin…”
“But I…”
The older man lifts up more pages and smiles, “Suspected of seeking to violate the sacred virginity of the High Priestess of Rho- that’s impressive.”
“Are you serious? This is a joke.”
“Deadly serious,” hisses the old man, who closes the file with a loud thump. He fixes Eversham with a fierce stare.
“I gotta tell you ‘Abe’- you are in so much trouble right now that EarthGov is an inch away from washing their hands of you, throwing you to the Yucani and letting them take dumps on your for the rest of your short life. I am, literally, the only hope in hell you have of surviving and if I’m being honest- it aint much of a hope.”
“But it was just a few jokes,” mews Eversham, his eyes welling up with tears.
“Who thought it would be a good idea to travel to another planet and do stand up comedy?”
“My agent.”
“Your agent? What did you do? Sleep with his wife?”
“No,” comes the panicked reply.
“Didn’t you even do some basic research on what the Yucani considered humour?”
“No. I thought it would be more interesting to just turn up and see how they reacted to human jokes… you know… see the raw reaction.”
The older man is briefly speechless. He takes a breath and says quietly, “Gotta admire your chutzpah Kid. Not smart but that’s a LOT of chutzpah…”
“Why would EarthGov throw me under the bus? I don’t understand. I screwed up sure, but…”
He stops as the older man just holds up a hand. He gazes into his eyes as the first human he has seen in months speaks very quietly.
“Here’s the deal. As far as we can tell, a couple of months ago, this young human leaves Earth and flies to Yucani homeworld. He passes customs, checks into a Yucani version of a hotel and asks if they have versions of ‘clubs’. He discovers that, being social creatures, Yucani do indeed have these places where they gather to be entertained. Brilliant says he. The human goes to one of these. This human, he is not entirely ignorant- he’s learned basic Yucani. Not much, but enough to converse conversationally.”
The older mans stare nails the young man to his chair.
“So he goes there and meets the Yucani in charge. Explains that he is a ‘human entertainer’. Asks if he can perform. The Yucani, like the rest of his species? They get on well with us. We share similar traits. We have had good relations since the Treaty of Commerce and Travel was signed fifteen years ago. Sure, he says. He announces this human. Who gets on stage. But does not sing. Doesn’t dance. He talks. He talks to them. He says some pretty damn insulting things about them. He ignores their obvious growls of displeasure.”
“I thought they were laughing!”
“You thought wrong kid. The crowd sat for about twenty minutes getting madder and then decides enough is enough. They chase him out of the club, across two streets and corner him outside of his hotel. Where he is arrested and not lynched because the club owner rang the constabulary. Have I missed anything out?”
“No,” says Eversham quietly.
“So the EarthGov embassy gets informed of all this and do what they do and move to smooth ruffled fur. It’s just a misunderstanding they say. It’s an easy mistake they say. Their records show he is JUST a comedian. But here’s the thing kid. Yucani don’t have comedians. They don’t get it. So the Ambassador tries to explain it to them. Which in turn leads to a discussion about a very unique trait we humans have that Yucani do NOT have. Know what that is?”
“A sense of humour?” Eversham says, literally unable to help himself. He is surprised at the response.
“Well spotted. They have one but it is nothing like our own. They became fascinated at our sense of humour and then in quick measure, horrified at it. They find the very essence of human humour to be offensive, aggressive, cruel and vicious. Their government is considering tearing up the Treaty between our two races. Literally, your little stunt has caused the MOTHER of all diplomatic incidents.”
“I… I had… no idea,” stammers the Englishman.
“That comes as no surprise to me whatsoever,” comes the hissed reply. The older man sighs and rubs his eyes and continues. “Now the GOOD news is, given the severity of the charges you face, the nature of the issue, and the sheer monumental insanity of this whole thing, the Yucani have decided to not bother with all the minor courts, judges, appleant proceadures. You are going to be tried by the top court on the planet. The Ultimate Court. One trial, one hearing, one.”
Eversham just nods.
“The bad news is, it won’t be you alone on trial. It will be the entire human species. And our sense of humour. Somehow, just somehow, we have to convince these creatures that actually our sense of humour isn’t just an awful trait that they find offensive. And that means somehow, just somehow, I’ve got to defend human comedy in front of a species who has no concept of comedy at all.”
The older man sighs.
“And I thought raising my eldest daughter was tough!”
There is a silence. The full weight of the moment clearly hits the young man. He lowers his head and fights back tears. Eventually, without looking up, he says quietly.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sure you are kid.”
“I’ve been a fool.”
“This much EVERYONE can agree upon.”
“I never meant to cause this…”
The older man sighs again, “I know you didn’t kid. Everyone knows you didn’t MEAN it. Doesn’t make it any easier for folks back home.”
Andrew Eversham nods. Displaying the stoicism his nation was famed for, he remains very quiet. Tears drip off his nose but he makes no sound. The older man just looks at him, an iota of sympathy creeping into his sad eyes. Moments pass. Eversham finally speaks.
“It… maybe it would be better if everyone just wrote me off. Said I was insane. Aberrational. Throw me under the bus. Let everyone get on with it?”
A small sad smile crosses the older mans face.
“To be blunt, that is what a LOT wanted to do back in EarthGov. A lot still do. But it’s too late for that. The whole race is in the mix now. Like it or not, we gotta jump on this ride and see it through to the end. And this is why they sent me. Because some fool thinks that if anyone can win this, can somehow get you off, its me.”
“Are you a diplomat?”
“No, no, nothing like that.”
“So why did they send you?”
“Beats me kid. I mean I have a rough idea, but really? I think they sent me because they are desperate.”
“What do you do for a living?”
A smile.
“For my sins? I’m a Rabbi.”
Four Days Later; The Grand Chamber of the Yucani Ultimate Court
Rabbi Johnathan Cohen had to admit- it was impressive. For such a small race, the Yucani could do ‘grand’. As he looked around the chamber of the highest judiciary on their planet, he could imagine it being used for an equally impressive purpose back on Earth. Of course on Earth the décor and colour scheme would be a tad different. More imposing.
Regal even. This?
It reminded him of the garish interior of some Western Bordelo from the 1890’s if he was honest. Still, the gold and purples and reds didn’t distract from the gravitas of the assembly or the importance of the room.
Or the size of the crowd.
EarthGov told him it was going to be a big show. They were not kidding. The five judges (known as a ‘claw’ the standard designation in all Yucani trials apparently) were looking impressive in their yellow robes of office, but they were upstaged by everyone else. The importance of the nature of this trial had demanded that anyone who was anyone would be here.
Rabbi Cohen could see the heir to the Yucani Empire had arrived (representing his father and 83 siblings); the Minister for Relations With The Hairless Ones (the formal designation for the poor Yucani official who dealt with humans) was also there, talking to him in hurried trills.
There were delegations of all the great and the good of this species, including The High Matron of the Sacred Priestesses of Rho, whose arrival caused him to smile inwardly. And it wasn’t just the Yucani who were here.
The unique nature of the diplomatic spat had caused interest from a half dozen other species. He saw the Ambassador of the Tu-Kek sitting within a glass encased sphere; the Emissary of the Golden Hive, which sat unmoving upon a perch, witnessing all that it relayed to the collective hive mind of the crew of the colony/ship that had arrived in orbit a few days before.
There was even a Frosh there, hovering enigmatically in its encounter suit, and the Frosh didn’t seem interested in anything except fractal mathematical equations most of the time. None of the species knew a damn thing about them- highly advanced but utterly abstract.
And there were the other humans. The Ambassador was there looking nervous (he was partly to blame for messing up the aftermath of the event- his job was on the line); the Commodore of Human Forces in the nearest sector was to his right, looking bored (only here because EarthGov was slightly worried this could end in a war). The attractive secretary (who everyone whispered the Ambassdor was sleeping with), sat on the other side of the Commodore, his handsom eyes glancing at the proceedings nervously.
And this ignored the several hundred normal Yucani who had managed to gain attendance to the trial. Rabbi Cohen took a sip of water and muttered to himself, “No pressure then Johnathan…”
“What?”
He turned to the rather pathetic figure of Andrew Eversham besides him. He wasn’t chained, and he had been issued new clothing, but his eyes were sunken and he looked the very image of a broken man.
“Nothing kid,” he says kindly, “you ready for this?”
“No,” comes the dispondant reply. For some reason Johnathan smiles at this.
“That’s the way. Honesty is always the best policy.”
The beating of a gavel is enough to start the proceedings. Ear pieces to allow fluent translations of all sides words are donned, and Rabbi Cohen takes a deep breath. Yucani trials followed a slightly differing format than humans- but the jist was roughly the same. The ‘prosecution’ he noticed was a grey furred alien, whose somewhat rotund body revealed him to be a corpulent and well fed member of his species. No doubt some great legal mind.
The trial passed quickly enough- the facts were not in dispute and indeed the defence case being as it was (the human in question was ignorant of any harm he could cause and meant no malice) was not even seriously contested by the state. No, in truth the real reckoning lay in the deeper issue of human sense of humour, and how in would colour future Human-Yucani relations.
Eventually, after about an hour, the rotund alien hopped back towards his table and began trilling in low, dark tones. In Cohen’s ear the translation came across clearly.
Which leads us, most supreme claw, to the crux of the issue. The human’s case rests upon a simple defense; he was innocent of any illwill towards our peoples, but sought to ‘entertain’ us with an example of human ‘humour’. This has led to our people investigating this aspect of the aliens personalities, and what we have found is disturbing indeed.
Johnathan watched closely as little creature trilled and squeaked in strong tones, his brown eyes forever gazing around him; while he was no expert on Yucani bodylanguage, Cohen knew showboating when he saw it. The little fat furball was playing to the crowd, playing upon the sensibilities of his race.
We have found humans delight in mockery; in lampooning; in deriding. They claim they do the same to themselves, as if this excuses them, as if it gives them the writ to inflict such things upon the rest of the galaxy. For a human, mockery of their institutions and their leaders is to be expected. But as we all KNOW- such things are anathema to we Yucani; where the familial bonds of love and honour are as natural to us as breathing…
The Rabbi tried hard not to roll his eyes. The prosecution was laying it on thick. Really thick. He watched as the creature hopped and trilled, waving its little arms about, modulating its voice expertly. He could see every Yucani in the room moved by this; their noses twitched, eyes welled up, their tails would go back and forth violently.
Carefully the Rabbi listened as the little creature moved onto the mainstay of his argument.
Is it not said by the Goddess Rho, that ‘all things shall be in its natural place, from star to planet, from ruler to bondman’; does not Rho teach us that there is only joy to be found in ‘careful appreciation of the natural order of all things’? Is it not said within our most sacred texts that ‘The ONLY path towards elevation of a soul, is through acceptance of its time within the body’? These are the foundations of our very society, our very civilisations…
The prosecution begins waxing lyrical about the virtues of the civilisation of the Yucani, but Johnathan was only half listening. There was a religious aspect to this after all?
As he mused on the sacred words of the Rho, part of him wondered if the wiley President of Earth was smarter than he liked to appear. Did the old guy KNOW this was going to be their approach? Is this why he sent him?
His thoughts are broken as the prosecution brings his long and somewhat vaudevillian diatribe to its conclusion…
…which bases itself upon mockery, and lampoon and cruelty towards living things are ideas we Yucani cannot afford to allow infect our civilisation. They gnaw at its roots. They will in time infest our nests. Supreme Claw, I must ask, no implore, no BEG of you, to issue an edict which petitions our Emperor to reconsider allowing these humans access to our world. Lest one night, one terrible night, the scenes we saw, where a single voice defiles the virtues of our culture are repeated… but this time by one of our own children.
Cohen takes a breath and smiles to himself. He glances over at the ambassador who looks back nervously. Besides him the quiet voice of Andrew Eversham says, “I really screwed this all up didn’t I?”
“Yes kid. But look on the bright side?”
“There’s a bright side?”
“It’s not everyday you get to be accused of defiling an entire civilisation. Think about how it will look on your CV?”
Rabbi Cohen stands as his opposing side sits down heavily. He picks up a small card wherein the correct honourifics needed to address the court are clearly printed and runs through the formalities quickly enough. That done he gazes at the five judges for a moment, and shrugs.
“The human sense of humour. Where do I, one of our species, even BEGIN to start describing this complex thing that lies at the heart of who we are, to your most Supreme Claw? There are great minds on Earth who have wondered about this for many centuries and reached no conclusion. And yet it is clear, I must. So let me try and break this down into a way I feel the Yucani can understand and I hope, accept it, for all its imperfections.”
“It is a question often asked by us humans- what makes us laugh? What is the source of our humour? The prosecution would have you believe it is cruelty and mockery. And from the surface it would appear so. But allow me to illustrate that human humour is complicated and made up of many levels.”
He strides out from behind his table, keeping his voice low and his eyes focused on the judges.
“The starting point is incongruity. We humans like you Yucanti had an issue with incongruity. Evolutionary speaking our ancestors, like yours, lived lives fearing predators; both our species in our ancient past? We would gaze, eyes to the horizon, forever searching for danger. We learned well the safety in patterns, the formal, fixed nature of our surroundings. Anything out of place, incongruous, we would be drawn to. It spelt danger, it spelt threat.”
“For my species, long after we had evolved past the need to spot such things, we had this trait inherent still within us. Why do I stress this? When humans spot an incongruity in nature, when it does not threaten us? We laugh. An exclamation of relief. Identical to what Yucani call the ‘musk of fear ending’. For your species it is natural and normal. Same with ours. Yours is scent. Ours is sound. Identical reactions. A thing we have in common yes?”
A few aliens nod at this. A good start.
“However this is not the full basis of our humour. Incongruity cannot be the full extent of our humour. If I was to find a shoe in a dishwasher, or you were to find Gurnix inside a Flubuton, that in itself would not be the cause of humour to us. It would be odd, but not humorous. The key for us humans is that incogurity has to be of a correct kind. For humans it has to involve a shift of perspective. The great human psychologist, Koestler, pointed out that for humans this shift is all important. An example would be…”
He nods to one of the technicians and displayed in the air in both languages are words.
When is a door not a door?
When it is a jar!
“This is an example of that type of humour. Incongruity presenting a perspective shift.”
There is utter silence from the audience and he scans the translation and smiles.
“Of course the joke does not translate at all to your race. The play on contexts and language is entirely lost to you. But notice how my fellow humans did not laugh either. Such things are primitive; plays on words, sudden perspective shifts. Proto-Jokes almost. I raise it to establish the baseline of our humour.”
“We humans have many of these jokes. We call them things like ‘knock-knock jokes’ and ‘lightbulb jokes’. They are not truly appealing to our humour, the highest compliment they can get is to be called clever, for you see they are missing a particular element of humour which the prosecution has done well to highlight.”
“What they miss, is a degree of cruelty.”
The little rotund advocate for the state stands and begins trilling in high pitched tones. Cohen waits for the translation to come through.
So you admit that humans revel in cruelty?
He smiles, “No.”
But you just said that your humour needs cruelty!
“A certain type, yes. But not the type you described.”
Semantics! Your supreme clawness, I urge you end this nonsense…
We will hear the human defence, intones the oldest, long whiskered judge, As we are curious as not how they will justify this.
“I thank the indulgence of the court,” smiles Cohen, and he takes a breath.
“There remains, there always will, an aspect of human behaviour that is mistaken for our humour but is not. This is how we humans use laughter. Laughter is a physical response to things. Mostly to humour yes, but also, and this is where the prosecution made their mistake, it can be a sound of triumph. At such times the sound is indeed dark and unmistakably cruel. Many have observed that for all the love we have of the sound of laughter it is by volume and in ferocity, an aggressive sound. And there exists many examples of our species using laughter when committing acts of cruelty.”
He shrugs, “It was only a few centruies ago that it became unfashionable to visit the places we kept our psychically and mentally disable for the purpose of laughing at them. We thought it good sport to look upon their pain. All of human history contains accounts of how public executions were raucous affairs, we would attend and celebrate the killing of one of our own, often with laughter as the guillotine came down upon them…”
Rabbi Cohen sighs heavily, “When I was younger I once saw a picture. Germany. The 1930’s. A small child, a Jewish boy, was being forced to clean the street on his hands and knees. Around him stood adults and they were laughing. This isn’t human humour, it’s cruelty. There are countless episodes of torturers laughing as they inflict pain. Of laughter being heard from mass shooters, from soldiers in war, at our most darkest moments. These things I do not refute. But point out a similarity of experience between our species.”
“Every species in the galaxy knows Yucani are fastidious in cleaning, how they value healthy and clean fur. No Yucani would ever dose another in urine for example. What then of your treatment of prisoners? Are we to take that as indicative of Yucani finding such things acceptable? Of course not. It is a certain, dark aspect of your society, misunderstood except BY your species. This is the same as using laughter by humans in moments of cruelty. It is separate FROM the debate about humour.”
He takes a breath and a sip of water before continuing.
“No, to say human humour is incognuity mixed with cruelty is too simplistic. It has to be the right type of cruelty…”
What do you mean the right type of cruelty? asks the supreme judge.
Johnathan Cohen thinks for a moment and smiles, “On Earth, a wise man called Mel Brooks once asked the question- what is the difference between tragedy and comedy?”
What was his answer?
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down a manhole cover and die.”
The Ambassadors secretary bursts out laughing, the sound carries across the room, ALL eyes fall upon him. Hurridly he covers his mouth, going red in the process.
“And you see the very nature of it right there. A sudden juxtaposition of incongruity and a certain element of cruelty, producing an involuntary response. Laughter.”
He pauses for a moment and says quietly, “In our distant past, in the year 1991 of our calander, a human writer called David Barry said the following, “The most important humor truth of all is that to really see the humour in a situation, you have to have perspective. ‘Perspective’ is derived from two ancient Greek words: ‘persp’ meaning ‘something bad happens to someone else’ and ‘ective’ meaning ‘ideally someone like Donald Trump’.”
At this all the humans bursts out laughing and Rabbi Cohen holds up his hands, “Again- the involuntary reaction. I won’t bother to explain it your honours, just to say that last statement was a joke designed to highlight something.”
“The core cruelty here is that someone must lose dignity. As we humans say be brought down a peg or two, or be knocked off a pedestal. It can be used by the mob as a weapon, and YES, it does have a subversive power. One of our ancients, a man called Plato, thought humour was destabalsing to the state and should be banned from it, which for us humans? Tell us much about the kind of guy Plato actually was.”
See? This is my allegation Supreme Claw. The human ADMITS what I am saying is true…
“What we do you got right, WHY we do it you got wrong. I heard you speaking about how Rho says we must appreciate the time our souls connect with our bodies correct?”
The prosecution’s whiskers twitch a little, and carefully it says Yes
“Well, the most basic, the most universal, the most raw and successful brand of comedy, the one my clients version was but a verbal variation of, the one that transcends the many human languages, is humour based upon just that. The realisation that there is a split between the soul, the essence of a human, and these dull, mundane frail bodies we exist in. What a psychologist once called the ‘dualism of subtle mind and inert matter’. “
“We call that humour, slapstick.”
He grins to himself.
“The core of all slapstick is the ‘the blow and the fall’. It can be as simple as a human slipping on the skin of recently eaten fruit. Or elaborate and detailed, but at its core is something very important. We understand, totally, the immortality of the soul, what the Goddess Rho holds to essence of being, but we also recognise the limitations of the body. Your species finds solance in holding to the immutable structure of the universe to reconcile this correct? We reconcile it by finding humor when we are reminded that these frail bodies cannot match the perfection of what lies within.”
“All of this is just by way of explaining this…”
An image appears on screen. It is a small human infant, wearing a sundress, maybe aged about 2 or 3 years old. Walking towards them is an image of Rabbi Cohen. He smiles at the child, and walks towards her and then, suddenly, slips and lands on his backside, a look of mock shock on his face. And at that, the court room is filled with the sound of the small child laughing, laughing hard; uncontrollable laughter, a sound that makes every human in the room smile. The image ends.
“Your honours, THAT is the most beloved sound on my home planet. The sound of an innocent child laughing. It transcends cultures and languages, transcends time. It delights us like NO other sound. We can spend hours just trying to get children to make it.”
“Consider then what you just saw? An innocent- capable of no higher functions of thought; an infant. It’s reactions are primal. But what DID you see? An infant is able to identify itself as a being, and me as a separate being. It saw the classic imposition upon my being by this mundane body. I tripped and slipped on my tuchus. A sudden juxtaposition of incongruity. One second I am stood, the next I am not. Mixed with the RIGHT kind of cruelty. Misfortune happening to another. But notice my reaction- my mock smile? My grand daughter realises that it is not hurting me and responds with a spontainious reaction of laughter.”
“THIS is at its base, the core of ALL human comedy and humour; it is based on empathy, and innocence. Not for her convoluted explanations involving cruelty and mockery. Just instinct. As we grow we develop more sophisticated methods to find humour but at its core? That is it. Is that not a demonstration of how our humour is as identical as your veneration of the soul within the body? The acceptance of the duality of body and spirit?”
Rabbi Cohen smiles, gently and turns to the Judges.
“Your honours, I urge you to dismiss this case. And I urge you to do so because let me tell you what will happen to the defendant. He will be released. He will return home. And when he does? He will become the subject of many, many jokes. He bore no ill will in his heart towards your race- but he was a schmuck.”
What is a schmuck?
“It’s a certain type of human. For the Yucani? A schmuck will forever be my client.”
In his chair the stand up comedian opens his mouth and then closes it. Defeated.
“He will return home and we will make stories about what he did. We will laugh at his foolishness, his ignorance, his pride….”
And we so gonna have fun with you little fat gerbil, he thinks but does not say as he eyes the prosecutor.
“And our ambassador will sit down with the Crown Prince and they will add a provision to the Treaty of Trade and friendship that says, based on the psychological underpinnings of our two species, and given we recognise that we share in common a belief of the duality of our existence and indeed of the existence of the soul, that human humour is a natural byproduct of our evolution like musk scenting is part of yours. Neither of our species share these traits, so lets not inflict it upon the other huh?”
“That would seem to me to be a most equitable and fair solution.”
The judges consulte one another, the Yucani remove their translation devices, but Johnathan can see their chirpings are appreciative. He may not have convinced them humans are FUNNY… but he may have convinced them to let this slide. He sits down at his table, gathers up his case note and begins to place them inside his briefcase.
Besides him, the comedian gazes over and sees there, amidst the papers in the briefcase, a hard backed book… ‘On the origins of humor: why Neaderthals can’t take a joke’ by Dr Johnathan Cohen, and a sudden realisation crosses his mind and he whispers, “You wrote that?”
“When not studying the Torah, I dabble in evolutionary psychology. It pays the bills.”
“Thank you.”
“Hey kid, what we gonna do? Let aliens say we bad for liking to laugh? What’s next? We are sinful because we breath?”
As the court recesses, and the judges leave to make their judgement, Rabbi Cohen stands and turns to make his way over to the Ambassadour when he is stopped suddenly. There, before him, stands the representative of the Frosh. It’s towering form, its huge encounter suit, obscuring the being from within. It’s cold black visage, plain glass of some kind, looms balefully over him.
In all the hustle of the Yucani leaving, no one notices this member of the most elusive and obscure of all the alien species, make his way to stand before the human. Johnathan clears his throat and goes, “Hello?”
The alien just stands.
“Can I help you?”
The black screen suddenly flashes brief, fractal images upon it, who flare in and out of existing as quick as a human blink. At the same time a warbling high pitch noise emits from deep in the chest area.
The Rabbi blinks and says, “What?”
The images and the noise is repeated again. Realisation dawning, Rabbi Cohen places down his briefcase and picks up the translator device he was using back on the table.
“Say that again please?”
The images flash and the noise is made and two seconds later words form in the humans ear… a simple message…
Pull my finger.
There is a silence. Around them the Yucani chitter and trill but Johnathan Cohen begins to smile…

Prepared for the downvotes this will probably receive...
Lately this sub seems to be quite aggressive in any posts where it could even be remotely construed that you could be clipping or taking part of a plant without permission, to the point where comments are becoming divisive or even getting locked by mods.
Let’s just be clear: the sub’s name is a pun on shoplifting. It’s understood that there is some gray area in grabbing fallen leaves/clippings from your favorite garden store or friend’s backyard - THATS THE JOKE. You feel like a thief even though you’re (probably?) not doing anything wrong.
These agitated discussions are so tiring. I’m just here for prop jokes, pictures, and memes. I don’t want to see a holy war in every comment section, and I know I’m not alone. I don’t want to say let’s ban comments where people are clearly trying to assert moral dominance, but perhaps encouraging downvoting obvious crusader behavior would help.
We should feel like we’re all in on the joke together instead of feeling like we’re going to get prop-cancelled if we don’t add a disclaimer to every comment. Theft is already against the rules, and obviously should be reported. But anything short of explicitly rule breaking posts, can’t we just assume good intentions? No, you don’t need to clarify you got permission or tell me the back story, unless you want to. You’re a goddamn adult (probably) and I assume you’re acting like a responsible one.
Let the joke live. It feels wrong, and that’s why this sub was fun. This shouldn’t be a stressful or confrontational place, and we don’t have to make it one.

So this is a throwaway because I'd rather this not be on my main. The current situation calls for a little back story. When my older brother and were in high school out mom explained that when we turn 18 and had graduated, whether we chose to go to college or not, she expected us to get a job and pay rent if we chose to stay home. That wasn't a problem because we were taught we have to earn what we want and plus because we'd be adults at that point so it only made sense.
​
Fast forward to last Christmas. We had a small gathering. Just my mom, two younger brothers, and me. The oldest couldn't be there as he joined the airforce out of high school and is wherever they have him. So anyway gifts were opened and everyone is just relaxing and what not. I'm talking to the brother after me. He's 18 turning 19 in February. I ask him about school, his major, and what he plans on doing. General small talk. Well, he brings up how once it's back in stock he plans on buying the PS5, a bigger TV for his room, and several other things. I chuckle and say that's a lot to drop in a single purchase joking about if he can afford that and still pay rent. He gets confused and says he doesn't pay any rent and me wanting to confirms asks and sure enough he never paid anything for rent once he got a job after graduating.
​
I dropped the conversation after that, but it didn't sit right with me, so on the 30th, I had called my mom and just asked her why she never charged my younger brother rent. The reasons and excuses I got from her were everything from "You were more responsible at his age so it made sense for you two pay" to "He needs a headstart in life". All of which honestly just made me even more upset because I always felt she was softer on the younger two growing up, but it was mostly small things so I never paid much attention to it. In the end I basically just yell at her, saying she was always favoring them and being easier on them than she was when I was their age. I said until she pays back the 7 years of rent I paid to her then I don't want to speak to her. I guess she ended up telling people because after that call I received a few calls from family members who say I was being an asshole, making my mom cry for doing her best as a parent, and etc. Even my older brother had called to say how much I ruined the holidays and I was just being greedy and that there's no way she can pay that back.
​
I don't think I was wrong, but maybe I was a bit harsh. I had no problem paying the rent itself. I have a problem being the only one who was charged and looks like I will be the only one who was charged. Just seems completely unfair. I was paying for rent, a car, food, and putting what I could in savings. I was tough, but not cruel or anything. I learned to choose between wants and needs which I think is great. So am I the asshole?
​
Because I know Reddit will ask these questions. I'm 27 male, I moved out after 25 and I paid $365 a month every month for the time I was living at home.
EDIT: So quick edit because I see a lot of the same questions popping up so I'll answer those.
What do I want out of all of this? Honestly, I don't know. I don't really care about the money just the fact they this is a long line of her playing favorites over the years. The chances of my brother ever being made to pay rent at this point are zero based on past experiences. So the demand to be paid back was just the first thing I could think of knowing that fact. And it didn't help because the whole "You're more responsible" statement has been used exclusively with me. Not just with my mom, but other family members as well.
What compromise would satisfy me? Ideally an apology for all the obvious favoritism and having my brother pay something, but again that likely will never happen.
Has your mom's financial situation changed in that time? I couldn't say. Even after I started paying rent there wasn't really any talk about finances.
I saw at least one comment asking about my biological relationship with my brothers. The oldest and I share a dare and the two younger share a dad. So we're half brothers. Our dad passed away sometime when I was young and theirs is still in the picture. He paid child support for both (still pays for the youngest) which is why I always let a lot of things slide because I always thought "well they have their dad so that why things are like that".

So another round one, chapter 90. Only 10 to go for the big number, this actually also marks 1000 novel size pages of story-making just over 277.000 words thus far O_o For comparison, the lord of the rings is 576.000 so damn near halfway there... Holy fuck that is a lot of writing in just over three months. To mark the occasion this one is a special one. at some point, during today's story, there is going to be a fade to black and a little link (If you are speed machines please have patients it's coming ASAP)
Now in there, you will find nothing but gratuitous pancake, this is so that you have the choice, you may skip the standalone chapter and I promise you are not missing any of the actual story, at least as little as I could manage. for the rest of you Enjoy,
With the semantics out of the way, I say we get on with the story,
ko-fi For having more pretty pictures commissioned.
Sapphire
Wiki Discord
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Chapter 90: A Bad Night
Luke had returned with a gaggle of kids, who all looked rather overwhelmed by what they saw coming out. There were a lot of them, Tom counted twelve in total. All of them rather young; he guessed the oldest one looked about nine.
“Look, dragon!” a young boy shouted, running over to Jarix with a few others on his heels. Some were looking around, clearly searching for people who might not be here anymore. Others stood staring at Tom.
The sight of other kids also caused a fair amount of excitement, Luke ushering the more timid kids towards the ones from Hylsdal.
Tom just stood there putting a hand around Jacky’s waist, looking at the best reason for doing all this. He chuckled as Jarix elevated his head just out of grabbing range as the more excitable of the kids tried to touch his face. He had a smile on though, even if he looked a little unsure of what to do. Zarko was on hand to help though, telling off the kids who tried to climb up the wounded dragon.
It took some coaxing, but in the end, most of the kids had been convinced to start playing with each other, though some were still around sitting either crying or just keeping to themselves. Lothal was doing his best to try and console his friends and doing a remarkably good job of it. Tom couldn't decide if he was proud or sad at seeing an eleven-year-old acting like an adult.
Dinner was nothing special, just some more of the stew from earlier with some rather stale tasting bread. Jacky, Tom, Zarko, and Unkai had sat together with the lady, Luke, Requi and the healer who was sort of conscious for the moment. She was apparently called Quin, at least for short. Unkai too was sitting rather slack-eared, clearly having been put to hard work already.
Jarix was given some cuts of cured meat. The lady had brought out both some decent ale and even some wine, which was passed around the table. Tom had never tried dragonette wine before, so, despite his reservations about mixing alcohol with blood loss, he poured a cup for himself. That was an old student tactic, after all, to donate blood before a night on the town. It made things a bit cheaper.
“We might not be able to put together a feast, but we can do this, a small token of thanks. Luke, if you wouldn’t mind,” The Lady went as she took her seat, Luke standing up raising a glass.
“To the heroes in our hour of need!”
Tom damn near stood up to join Luke, Zarko grabbing him by the shoulder to keep him seated. As the assembled dragonettes of the keep gave a toast. Tom didn’t really know if he felt proud or just uncomfortable at this point. On one hand, he could look around the room to see many faces, most of which appeared happy. On the other hand, many definitely weren’t: a lone wounded father with a sobbing kid; the kids from Hylsdal; the countless wounded, some looking like they might not fly or even walk properly again.
“To the crazy bastard who made it possible,” Jackalope went as she raised her cup looking at Tom, apparently figuring out what was being toasted.
“Hey!” Jarix let out, clearly trying to sound offended. “To the crazy bastards who made it possible,” Zarko corrected, raising her cup.
“To wiping those fuckers off the map,” Tom joined in, feeling a little left out.
“Cheers to that,” The silvered huntress replied without much enthusiasm, slamming her drink down in one go. She was joined by the others. Tom took his time with his wine though. As expected it was rather sweet, definitely not bad though. They hadn’t made a huge thing out of the meal, it was just stew and bread after all, even if their drinks were well above average.
It had been a rather awkward meal though. Jackalope couldn’t partake in the conversation unless Tom or someone else wrote down for her what was going on. They all did their best to avoid the more depressing subject matters, but it was pretty damn hard to avoid them in their current state. Quite a few of the others had taken to drinking rather heavily. Tom could hardly blame them, but he kept it mild for now. Jacky, though, did make a dent in the ale supply. She didn’t get piss drunk, but she was definitely inebriated by now.
“You know, I’ve never been called a hero before,” Jacky went, leaning on Tom after they had finished the meal. “You still got the ace though… You always get the ace… Why are you so damn good at killing?” She questioned hanging on his shoulders.
Tom didn’t really know how to answer her on that one. “You know what,” She went, pulling back and poking him in the chest with a finger. “You get to teach me how. You’re not getting the ace next time,” Tom pondered for a second if that was a smart thing to agree to. It was likely going to happen though, so why not.
“I guess that’s the smart part about being deaf, I can’t hear if you're protesting, so I’m just gonna say you agreed,” Jackalope continued before he managed to nod his reply. She poured a fresh mug for the both of them, snickering. Tom debated getting out the notepad to try and tell her he needed to be a little careful when it came to alcohol right now. She beat him to it though. “You’re not drinking like last time; afraid we might do something stupid?”
Unkai damn near choked at that one. Zarko just shook her head, looking a tad embarrassed. ’Remember the angry smith Tom, Remember the angry smith,’ he repeated to himself. He got out the notepad to write down a response. Tom made well sure no one else saw what he wrote as he showed it to Jacky.
“I’m wounded, also your mother,” she pulled back a bit, looking a little annoyed.
“She is not here nor will she be... Hey Unkai! Can you give him a check? He claims to be wounded; I don’t want him dying on me.” She went, sounding entirely inappropriate.
Even Zarko had to suppress a slight laugh at that, Unkai looking like a deer in the headlights as Jacky’s attention switched to him.
“I mean sure. I’ll just finish this,” the healer replied, gesturing at his cup.
“I can’t hear you,” Jackalope reiterated with a side to side head bob. Unkai looked very embarrassed, just giving her a thumbs up instead.
‘Oh boy,’ Tom thought to himself, shrinking down.
“I think he needs more liquid courage to handle me though. Watch closely Unkai, you might learn how to grow a spine. Even if it’s only for a bit,” Jackalope continued, laughing at her own joke as she poured another drink for herself and refilling Tom’s cup.
“The man who went toe to toe with a small army and he needs help to handle you. What does that tell you?” Zarko let out, looking at Tom, seeming very pleased with herself.
“Don’t let them get to you Tom, you're braver than her,” Jarix added, ensuring that everyone in the entire hall was now invested in the conversation.
Tom just picked up the mug of ale she had poured for him. Jackalope excitedly raised hers as they knocked them together. ‘May the hangover have mercy on my soul,’ Tom thought to himself. He had been saved after a few mugs by the lady declaring that they needed to save enough for a proper feast when they could manage it.
The result was a nice buzz and an even cockier Jackalope as they left the table. Perhaps it was her time for some healing following that whole shit show. He had never seen her as distraught as she was at Hylsdal. Not to mention the expression on her face when Zarko had carried the body of the dead girl away after they landed.
Apparently, alcohol had at the very least helped her think about something else, as she was spouting funny stories and, of course, boasting about how amazing she had been in the battle. That had led to a hasty explanation about how Tom had let her borrow some of his power during the battle. He wasn’t entirely sure if any of the locals bought it, but they were way too polite to question the explanation though. Or possibly scared, or just didn’t care, he wasn’t quite sure.
Unkai had gone over Jackalope first and deemed her as fixed as she could be right now; he didn't dare try to fix her ears, claiming that to be way beyond him. He sounded confident that Nunuk might be able to put them back together again though. Jackalope let out an annoyed sigh at the news, though the part about Nunuk did help.
It was clear Jacky and Tom had received priority when it came to getting fixed up after the battle. Unkai had put in some work on Tom, mainly putting his effort into the stinger wound on his side. Tom had him check his neck wound as thoroughly as he could manage. But Unkai claimed that was as good as it was going to get, though he recommended some resting time.
“Fuck, I took painkillers earlier,” Tom let out as Unkai touched the stinger wound, which didn’t hurt as much as it should have.
“Is that bad?” Unkai had questioned, looking at the wound.
“I drank alcohol too, you're not supposed to mix those.” Unkai looked at Tom as if he was expecting more than that.
“Well don’t look at me, I don’t know how they work,” he finally responded, Jackalope’s face growing worried at the exchange, her gaze breaking as she looked to Unkai.
“He’s fine, right? He’s been stung before. He’s tough on that front even if his skin is soft like a kid’s,” She asked with worry in her voice slurring slightly, Tom taking slight offense at the last part. Unkai turned to her, giving her a thumbs up and a smile before looking back at the wound.
“Anything we can do about it?” the healer questioned, clearly trying to not look worried this time, for Jacky’s sake.
“Don’t think so. I guess I’m just gonna cross my fingers and wait it out,” Tom answered truthfully. He had no clue what the actual effect of that might be. He felt fine though. He was a little weird in the head, but that was honestly to be expected in his current condition.
“Well I don’t think you’re gonna be sleeping alone anyway, but consider it medical advice to have someone look after you,” Unkai replied trying a sly smile, which just looked wrong on him.
“Tom the hot stone reporting for duty,” Tom joked back as Unkai went about reapplying the bandage to the wound. Jacky’s gaze switching back to Tom seemingly excited, the edges of her mouth curling into a slight smile.
The young woman who had washed his clothes earlier had shown them up to the bedrooms after the quick check-up.
“We have a few rooms which weren’t in use before, don’t worry it’s not… someones. I'm sorry if they are dirty, but you can have one each if you want.” She sounded really rather uncomfortable. Tom could get why. He could see the number of rooms and there had to be at least a few that had owners until recently.
“This is very kind of you. Thank you,” Tom replied, the woman giving a curtsy before making her way back down the stairs rather hurriedly. Tom got out the notepad to ask Jacky if she wanted to share a room. Thinking back, that wasn’t at all necessary; he just felt like it was the right thing to at least ask.
Jackalope though didn’t bother to ask him. Taking him by the wrist rather firmly, she led him into the first room the young woman had shown them.
​
The Pancake Chapter: Pancake!
__________________________________________________________________________________
Balethon now safely in her grasp, Sapphire circled back the way she came. She almost wanted to tell him to enjoy this since she was likely not gonna be carrying him again, not to mention at night in nothing but her underwear. The dude had already had a remarkably shitty night though, so she refrained.
She spotted the large disorganized group which had been supposed to keep the tavern safe. They had set down in a square and were looking around confused as Sapphire came in to land. She was quickly greeted by a near-hysterical Haiko who looked ready to drop his mace as he nearly trod on Balethon in an attempt to hug her faster.
“You’re okay, right? Nothing wrong?”
“I’m fine, the bastards couldn’t shoot.”
“Oh thank whoever cared,” he let out, squeezing her tightly.
“Where is Dakota?” Sapphire squeaked out from his embrace. He let go of her taking a step back looking around.
“Not here. Neither is that Maiko guy, and he damn near caught up to you before you shot off into the darkness. You haven't gotten any slower, have you now?”
“Not by much, no,” she replied, looking down to her stricken cargo. “Let’s get him to sit up somewhere. Any of you got some water?” she questioned, looking to the other guards. Her eyes landed on someone being bound up. She assumed it was the mercenary who had tried to attack her. “You're a shit fighter, I hope you know that,” She shouted out, glaring at the arsehole, who just stared at her with clear contempt.
Draki had come over with a canteen of water, looking up to Sapphire and looking a bit strained in the face before he turned to Haiko.
“I owe you two silver, don’t I?” the diminutive guy asked, seeming rather annoyed.
“I told you, she’s the fastest woman you ever saw,” Haiko replied with a smile, trying to fold out Balethon, eventually giving up. “Grab on, let’s put him on that bench over there,” he went, grabbing Balethon by the legs, with Sapphire taking the shoulders as they carried him over. He was stiff as a board, though the panicked look in his eyes was at least sort of gone.
“You put a bet on me catching them?” Sapphire questioned as set him down. She wasn’t sure if she should be flattered or angry. Haiko held up his hands defensively, shaking his head.
“No no, Draki just didn’t believe all the stories, so I put two silver on the stories being true. Easiest bet ever.” That was more to Sapphire’s liking, and she gave him a slightly wicked smile. “You know we used to get a slice of the bets back then.”
“Hey, I got you your own personal protection service,” He replied, gesturing to the motley collection of dragonettes mulling about the square.
“That’s a word for it, I guess,” Sapphire replied, not overly impressed. It wasn’t like they had done much good tonight. “Take good care of him, I have some questions,” she went, leaving Haiko and going over to the now thoroughly tied up dragonette who had attacked her, the questioning already underway. Someone let out a suggestive growl as she walked by. The fact that she was wearing nothing but her underpants in the middle of the street dawning on her.
“Do that again and I’ll kill you,” she snarled, not sure who the offending member was, before turning her attention to the mercenary. “So… You thought kidnapping one of my friends was a good idea? How well would you say that went?” She questioned looking down at the piece of shit.
“Fucking brilliantly,” he responded angrily. “I ended up with a nice view if nothing else,” he continued with a shit-eating grin.
“How hard may I punch him?” She demanded, looking around at the guards. Most of them just looked confused at each other.
“As hard as I say so,” Maiko bellowed out, coming down alongside Dakota, who was carrying a very large unconscious female dragonette with an arrow sticking out of her back.
“Not your best shot, but it did the trick,” Dakota let out, unceremoniously dumping the dragonette on the ground before setting down. “Tie her up too, she won’t be out forever.”
After a bit they got the both of them tied up at about the same time as a contingent of city guards arrived, demanding to know what was going on. Sapphire cursed the fact she likely wouldn’t be allowed to beat the shit out of them now, as they began asking some very pointed questions.
“Oh yeah sure, a group of armed what was it... Tavern guards? Out at night with a pair of half-naked women and a dude who claims to be Royal Guard. And why has she been shot?!” the lead city guard questioned, looking around at them.
“Because she kidnapped him after stabbing him with vargulf poison,” Sapphire let out, wide armed. “How the fuck is that hard to understand!?”
“Calm down woman, who shot her?” the man questioned pointing at the female mercenary.
“I did and two other pieces of shit who tried to kill us!”
“Right, you're all coming with us. We need to know what happened here. Manacles,” the City Guard replied, snapping his fingers over his shoulder and receiving the item in question. Sapphire’s heart sank; she had never been arrested before. Closest she had ever gotten was being given a stern talking to for sneaking into the training fields.
Dakota looked ready with a reply, when Maiko beat her to it.
“Listen up you little shit-eating ground rat, see what this is?!” He went, holding up his sword, which true to form bore the royal insignia on the crossguard. “I will make a cape out of your fucking wings if you don’t man up and do your fucking job. These bastards attacked a tavern in the middle of the night, attempted murder, managed a kidnapping, then had a go at murder again during the desperate chase to catch them and your useless ass turns up just in time to insult the Royal Guard and be useless.”
“I’m gonna have to ask you to...” the city guard attempted to protest, though seemingly with a growing sense of apprehension.
“No, you may not. You are outranked! Or do I need to get the colonel to inform her the city guard is aiding an enemy of the crown? That would lead to some serious fucking cleansing of your unit, I can assure you of that!”
“In that case, I say we take you to the stockade and send for this colonel of yours, perhaps letting her know someone stole a blade from the Royal Guard armories.” Sapphire expected Maiko to explode at that insult, though he just pulled back with an evil smile.
“Very good sir, let’s go. Though I would appreciate the opportunity to get my uniform before appearing before my superior. You may escort me to the tavern in question if you wish.”
“That can be arranged, I assume you two wouldn’t mind getting dressed either, though I must insist on you accompanying us. Don’t we have a blanket or something?” he asked, looking back to his unit, eventually procuring a pair of thin woolen blankets.
“Bloody brilliant sir, how exactly do we fly with these?” Dakota questioned sounding very unimpressed.
“Uhm…”
As they were getting ready for takeoff Sapphire heard someone get a smack to the back of the head as she moved to check up on Balethon. Looking back, a slightly ashamed looking tavern guard was rubbing the back of his head, a very unimpressed woman standing next to him. ‘God fucking dammit’ she cursed to herself.
The ones who had woken up in the middle of the night broke off, going back to the tavern to get dressed in preparation for a long night. They wanted the bastards interrogated immediately anyway, even if getting interrogated themselves hadn't really been the plan. If this was the work of the Flaxens they would be doing their best to cover their tracks as soon as they learned of the mission's failure, so speed was of the essence.
“Why can’t we just be left in peace!” Dakota snapped as they were getting dressed. “Please let it just be the Flaxens so we can get them dealt with already.”
“Of course it’s them, who else could it be?” Sapphire dismissed her as she strapped on her greaves. Sapphire had a feeling Colonel Hashaw would not take kindly to this attack so she was bound to be there, therefore she needed to look proper in case they got fine company at the stockade.
Maiko had gone on to the Hashaw Estate to report back on the evening’s activities and hopefully convince Victoria to make an appearance. So Sapphire and Dakota found themselves standing in front of the stockade with a city guard escort.
It was a large, ugly building, looking like a place you wanted to avoid at all costs with its rough grey stone and metal barred cell windows lining the walls. “May they rot in here forever,” Sapphire let out as they were shown inside. She and Dakota were taken to different interrogation rooms. They were civil about it though, not even tying her up like she had feared.
The guy who had ‘caught them’ as he claimed was apparently in charge of this case. He formally introduced himself as Sergeant Lanok and set about asking questions, not many of which were intelligent. Where they were from, what they were doing here, why they had an armed escort in the middle of the night despite not even being properly dressed at the time.
He of course didn't believe most of the answers he was getting. Especially the part about being in the employ of the king at the moment, nor the whole Flaxen situation.
“What? You claim to be the target of a kidnapping attempt by a noble family, one on the council at that?! Give me a break,” Sapphire had to fight really hard not to slap him, but she didn’t want to end up in manacles, so she just stared at him contemptuously. Then there was a deep thunk that shook the building followed by creaking wood from above.
“This should be good,” Sapphire let out, leaning back with a smirk, relishing in the confusion on the guy’s face.
It took a bit longer than Sapphire had anticipated, as she refused to answer further questions, but there was eventually a knock on the door, Sergeant Lanok getting up to answer it. He was confronted by a very pissed looking Colonel Hashaw in formal uniform, Maiko and Yilditz at her back.
“You seem to have attempted to arrest one of my men and two people you really shouldn’t have. Not to mention waking both me and a decidedly grumpy 10 ton black dragon currently on your roof.”
‘So it wasn’t Baron then,’ Sapphire concluded. She doubted very much he could have been roused for this anyway, it also made sense to bring a black, they liked the night anyway. Maiko had been decent at laying out a string of insults, but Hashaw was clearly the source of his talent, as she chewed out not only the sergeant but anyone dumb enough to make an objection or not make themselves as small as they could including the captain of the Stockade much to Sapphire's horror.
It definitely helped that she was flanked by Ylditz, the person who had been tasked with finding out who the mercenaries were, as well as a few other family members. The dragon in question was apparently Tiguan, one of Jarix's training buddies. Sapphire guessed he was here just as much for a bit of experience then.
“Is there anyone dumb or useless enough in here to have anything more to say...? Very good. Where are the two who ‘actually’ need questioning?”
The tavern guards had been allowed to go, though Haiko had stuck around. The Sergeant was now looking very small as he took them to the room where the one who hadn’t been shot was sitting. The woman who had been carrying Balethon currently being treated.
“Do you have even the slightest idea how much you fucked up tonight?” Hashaw asked as she strode in the door, the sergeant holding it open for her.
“Pretty fucking badly I presume, but what the hell are you gonna do, huh? Gonna execute me, perhaps clip my wings? Doesn't matter if you’re Royal Guard or tavern guard the punishment is the same. So you don’t scare me woman or should I say… oh, Colonel, wow I really did fuck up, huh?” Well, Sapphire had to give it to him, he was taking the news that he was likely done for rather well, or perhaps he was just in denial about the whole thing.
“Oh, I can do worse than that I think. Sapphire, you wouldn’t happen to have learned a thing or two from our friend?”
“Might have done,” she admitted, thinking back to what she could remember of Tom’s escapades.
“Sergeant, what is the punishment for his crimes?”
“Well, he failed to kill anyone, hence he is charged with attempted murder and attempted kidnapping. So indentured servitude for quite a while. Unless he could pay for a prison sentence of course.”
“Right then, how about this? Tell me who sent you and I will pay for your prison time,” the colonel then went, looking to the perp. “I know you were hired to do this, so while you may be a piece of shit it’s not you that I want. Alternatively, I could start pulling strings until we get some alone time with you and make your life really fucking unpleasant.”
Sapphire looked slightly nervously to the sergeant, but he was still cowering, so she guessed Hashaw got away with threatening to break the law inside the stockade. It was a generous offer too. If this guy was going away for a long time, paying for it wasn’t gonna be cheap.
“You know my choice is death or slavery here. You can’t be dumb enough to believe they will let me live if I talk.”
“That depends on who sent you, because if it is who I think it is they won't be around to send someone to kill you after this.” Again Sapphire was fairly sure they couldn't condemn the entire Flaxen family for something like this, but hey if it works it works.
“You seriously think we take jobs directly? It’s not the client that will kill me dipshit. My boss would.” Hashaw was very clearly not pleased with that answer, as she turned to the sergeant.
“Would you agree this man is guilty, on the word of both independent tavern guards, the Royal Guard, and our two huntresses of the noble Bizmati Keep? Or do you insist on a mock trial for this piece of shit?”
The sergeant looked a tad bewildered for a second before nodding. “Yes ma’am. I’ll have him sent off to the deepest mine I can find tomorrow.”
“No, I want him handed over to the Royal Guard so we may question him as an enemy combatant.”
“You cannot do that and you know it,” the sergeant replied, finally standing up for himself. Clearly to Hashaw’s great annoyance.
“Then I want you to get me a telepath. Am I correct in assuming his rights on that matter are no longer in place even if I can’t pull his claws out?”
“Yes, but we don’t have one, ma’am. You must understand, a criminal’s mind is not exactly the kindest place to be.”
“Weak-minded cowards,” Hashaw cursed, looking away pondering. “Fine keep him here, you may continue with your excuse for questioning. I’ll be back, luckily not everyone is as weak of spine.”
__________________________________________________________________________________
So then We have prisoners to work with once again. hopefully, they will fare a little better than the last one. then again... Maybe not. As always do let me know what you thought down below be it good bad or just generally hilarious.
until next time, have an awesome day.
​
ko-fi For having more pretty pictures commissioned.
Sapphire
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Just in case you missed it, the pancake chapter: Pancake!

Amazon has started price matching the Target Sale.
Here's a list of the games we've found so far. I grouped them so you can group games in the same price range and save the maximum amount of cash.
As usual, we've got a landing page over on the blog with links to all of these that we will be updating as the sale grows and evolves.
Updated: 11am EST Feb 8th
Under $5

• Bicycle Dice 10 Pack of D6
• UNO Dice Game

From $5 to $10

• Apples to Apples Junior
• Break In: Alcatraz
• Clue
• Cone of Shame
• Connect 4
• Coup
• Dominoes, Spinner To Go Set
• D&D Endless Quest: Escape the Underdark (which way book
• Guess Who?
• Hot Words
• The Joker, A Diabolical Party Game
• Kanoodle
• Knope for President
• Qwixx
• Rory’s Story Cubes
• Silver & Gold
• Skip-Bo
• Sorry
• Spot It! Camping
• Stacktopus
• Starfinder Player Character Folio (RPG book)
• Sushi Go
• theory 11 Premium Playing Cards, Citizen
• Trash Pandas
• Trouble
• Yeti in My Spaghetti

From $10 to $15

• 5 Second Rule
• 5 Second Rule Uncensored
• Bluey Shadowlands Board Game (kids game)
• Cat Crimes
• Charades for Kids
• Clue Junior
• Don’t Break the Ice
• Don’t Rock The Boat
• Don’t Say It
• Düngeonmeister: 75 Epic RPG Cocktail Recipes to Shake Up Your Campaign
• Escape from a Video Game: The Secret of Phantom Island (which way book)
• Exit: The Sunken Treasure
• Flying Pigs!
• The Fox in the Forest
• Illusion
• Into the Dungeon: A Choose-Your-Own-Path Book
• Jenga Classic Editon
• Journal 29: Interactive Book Game
• Kawaii
• The Mind
• Monopoly: House Divided
• MTV, The Throwback Music Party Game
• No Stress Chess
• One Night Ultimate Werewolf Daybreak
• Rory’s Story Cubes: Star Wars
• Rubik’s Race
• Saturday Night Live: The Game
• Scrabble Junior
• Sweet Existence, A Strange Planet Card Game
• TAG
• Ultimate Werewolf Deluxe Edition
• Wild Kratts: Race Around the World (kids game)
• The Worldbuilder’s Journal of Legendary Adventures (an official D&D writing prompt journal)
• Yogarrr! Family Pirate Yoga Party Board Game
• Your Worst Nightmare

​
From $15 to $20

• Bears!
• Big Money
• The Book of Holding: A Blank D&D Journal with Grid Paper
• Bugs in the Kitchen
• Codenames Disney Family Edition
• Codenames: Duet
• Codenames: Pictures
• D&D Sword Coast Adventurer’s Guide (RPG book)
• Disney Hocus Pocus: The Game
• Disney Villainous: Evil Comes Prepared
• Dragon Snacks
• Exploding Kittens
• Family Feud Late Night (Adult) Edition
• Food Fighters
• The Game Of Life
• Godzilla Tokyo Clash
• Harry Potter Potions Challenge Game
• Here to Slay
• Hungry Hungry Hippos (kids game)
• I Dissent
• Jumanji The Game
• Just One
• Killer Bunnies Orange Booster
• Legacy: Five Families Expansion
• LISTicles
• May Cause Side Effects
• Monopoly: Cheaters Edition
• Monopoly: Classic Edition
• Mouse Trap
• Operation
• Pente (Deluxe)
• Perfection
• Poetry for Neanderthals
• Rattlesnake Jake
• Scrabble
• Skull
• Smart Ass
• The Sneaky, Snacky Squirrel Game
• Starfinder Adventure Path: The Last Refuge (RPG book)
• Ticket to Ride New York
• True Colors – What Do Your Friends Really Think of You?
• Twister
• Unstable Unicorns
• Upwords
• WWE Legends Royal Rumble Card Game
• You’ve Got Crabs

From $20 to $25

• 7 Wonders Duel
• Axis and Allies 1941
• Catan Junior
• Crystal Clans
• D&D Explorer’s Guide to Wildemount (RPG book)
• D&D Guildmasters’ Guide to Ravnica (RPG book)
• D&D Hoard of the Dragon Queen (RPG book)
• D&D Mythic Odysseys of Theros (RPG book)
• D&D Young Adventurer’s Guides 4-book boxed set
• Disney Villainous: Wicked to The Core Expandalone
• Dominoes, Mexican Train set in aluminum case
• A Game of Cat and Mouth
• The Game Master’s Book of Random Encounters (RPG book)
• Horrified: Universal Monsters
• Hunt A Killer Mystery: Death at The Dive Bar
• The Island of El Dorado
• Jaipur
• Jaws
• Machi Koro 5th Anniversary
• Mall Madness
• Munchkin: Disney
• Munchkin Marvel Edition
• Mysterium: Secrets & Lies expansion
• One Night Ultimate Werewolf
• Pan Am
• Ravensburger’s Labyrinth
• Rhyme Antics
• Stratego
• Telestrations After Dark
• Time Stories: Estrella Drive Expansion
• Wonder Woman: Challenge of The Amazons

From $25 to $30

• Adventure Mart
• Apollo: A Game Inspired by NASA Moon Missions
• Azul
• Betrayal at House on the Hill
• Catan Explorers & Pirates: 5-6 Player Extension
• D&D Acquisitions Incorporated (RPG book)
• D&D Baldur’s Gate: Descent Into Avernus (RPG book)
• D&D Dungeon Master’s Guide (RPG book)
• D&D Icewind Dale: Rime of the Frostmaiden (RPG book)
• D&D Monster Manual (RPG book)
• D&D Mordenkainen’s Tome of Foes
• D&D Waterdeep Dragon Heist
• D&D Xanathar’s Guide to Everything (RPG book)
• Electronic Battleship
• Escape Room in a Box: Flashback
• Exploding Kittens Party Pack
• Hot Ones Truth or Dab The Game
• Heroes’ Feast: The Official D&D Cookbook
• Joking Hazard
• Monopoly Neon Pop
• Onitama
• Pandemic: Rising Tide
• Planet
• Risk
• Scooby-Doo: Escape from The Haunted Mansion
• SEQUENCE (in a tin)
• Throw Throw Burrito: Extreme Outdoor Edition

​
From $30 to $40

• Civilization: A New Dawn
• D&D Curse of Strahd (RPG book)
• D&D Eberron: Rising from the Last War (RPG book)
• D&D Tomb of Annihilation (RPG book)
• D&D Volo’s Guide to Monsters (RPG book)
• Discover: Lands Unknown
• Disney Villainous
• Eldritch Horror: The Mountains of Madness expansion
• Imhotep
• New York 1901
• Pandemic: Fall of Rome
• Pathfinder P2 Beastiary (RPG book)
• Pathfinder P2: Lost Omens Pathfinder Society Guide (RPG book)
• Risk Europe
• Splendor
• Skee Ball
• Starfinder: Armory (RPG book)
• Starship Samurai
• Survive Escape From Atlantis 30th Anniversary Edition
• Ticket To Ride: Europe
• Tome of Beasts (RPG book)
• Tome of Beasts II (RPG book)

From $40 to $50

• 7 Wonders
• Catan
• D&D Player’s Handbook (RPG book)
• Dead of Winter
• Eldritch Horror: The Dreamlands expansion
• Gloomhaven: Jaws of The Lion
• Harry Potter Hogwarts Battle
• La Granja
• Mage Wars Arena: Core Set
• Mission: Red Planet
• Strato Chess

​
From $50 to $75

• Carcassonne Big Box 2017
• D&D Curse of Strahd: Revamped, Premium Edition (RPG boxed set)
• Catan Histories: Settlers of America
• A Game of Thrones Catan
• Mice & Mystics
• Talisman: Kingdom Hearts

From $75 to $100

• Critical Role: The Chronicles of Exandria
• D&D Core Rulebooks Gift Set – BUY IT NOW

​

I don’t really want to hate them, but I’m starting to. Looking back, I grew up wanting their validation, I was desperate for any attention from the guys I liked. I used to be a hopeless romantic, wishing my life was a fairytale and one day my prince would come and save me. I was that typical girl that chased the cool guys while rejecting the nice guys that liked me. I did have guy friends that I had small crushes on but nothing more. You get the picture.
I thought that when I turn 18, everything would change and men would just knock on my door and take me on dates and stuff but none of that happened, instead, I just became more realistic. I stopped expecting for guys to come up to me and just made the first move myself. Because of this, I did date someone at the time but we eventually drifted apart due to us becoming long distance. The attention that I get from men now for doing the bare minimum became annoying.
Looking back at the men that I had mutual attraction for, I realize that they’re all just pedophiles. Here I was, a minor being groomed by men twice my age and I consented because I didn’t know it was wrong. I had no idea what grooming even was and what a pedophile is. I thought they were just kidnappers that target children but it’s more complicated than that. They could be the men closest to you and you wouldn’t question it because you trusted them. The guys that “courted” me targeted me because I was naive and desperate. Nothing sexual happened, thankfully, but my mental state was effed up. I was 12 when I fell in love with this guy that I considered my best friend. He was 24. He would make me call him every break time and we would talk for hours while I hide in the playground. I got in trouble a lot because I would sometimes skip classes just so I can talk to him. He would tell me everything I needed to hear and I would just accept it because I needed to feel loved so bad. I didn’t have a happy home life so I clung on to him tightly to fulfill my emotional needs. He had a gf at the time and I stayed hoping that he would leave her for me. I was delusional. I would have daydreams of us running away together and having a family of our own. I cringe just thinking about it now but at the time it seemed possible. I would cry about him a lot and I even made an Instagram account dedicated to posting emotional quotes about how I felt. He eventually had another gf and then they got married and had a baby and I never talked to him since. I seriously don’t understand the reason this man had to do this to a child. Why would anyone, let alone a 24 year old man, have the audacity to say sweet nothings to a depressed child? I just don’t get it.
Next creeper was another adult man that would say creepy stuff to me randomly on chat, like he was trying to sexualize the conversation. I was so confused and thought he was joking at the time because everyone at our church thought he was gay. I asked our mutual friends if he says the same things to them and they were also shocked that this guy would say things like that. No one said anything though as he was very friendly and popular.
Last, but def not the least, this guy that was 9 years older than me, courted me for years. He first saw me when I was 15 and instantly “fell in love” with me. I put quotation marks because I highly doubt it. You see, with this guy, we go way back because my family were friends with his father. We all go to church together and he would always be friendly with my family. He would eventually go back to his home country and have his son replace him. His father was also friends with another church goer that’s also friends with my mom and this lady “accidentally” sends me a message that was supposed to be for the dad. It said that she’s suggesting that he (the son) could try to court me while I’m still young so that when I turn 18, we can be official, or something to that extent. At the time, I didn’t know that this was called grooming so I didn’t say anything to anyone about it. I just felt awkward but I didn’t know it was serious. When I first met him, I was friendly because I knew his dad. He mistakes this as me being interested in him or something because he starts to message me on fb. I respond coldly and it leads to nothing.
A few years later, we got closer because both of us were in the church band. I start opening up and being more playful. He sees this as a sign to chase me more. What I thought was us just being friends ends up with him full blown pursuing me for years. I know I should’ve shut it down from the beginning but at the time I was absolutely clueless. He wasn’t straightforward about him officially courting me. He just gave me little gifts here and there and would take a selfie with me every time he sees me. Plus, he was 9 years older than me and respect is a big thing in our culture. I was also afraid of cutting ties because of his dad and our family friend. Plus, we were in the same friend group and would see each other all the time. I promised myself that the moment he says anything about a relationship I would immediately reject it but he never did. This is what led up to the courtship lasting for years. He said that he was just showing appreciation or something like that. He wasn’t sexual or anything so I thought it was okay, plus a lot of other adults in the church were aware and no one said anything or tried to stop it. I also tried to reciprocate but I just couldn’t. I’m thankful that I didn’t. I was so close to giving in because I tried to weigh in the pros. He had a stable job (I was only in high school), he was active in the church, he had close family but it just didn’t feel right at all. At the time, I didn’t know why but now I do. I eventually dated the guy I liked at the time and he took stolen pics of us and posted it to his stories, making me look like the bad guy when he was the one forcing himself on me. He even called me “baby” in front of a group of our friends including my uncle which was so wrong on many levels. I was so mad.
Before this, he also started messaging my younger sister to gather more info about me. My sister and I are not on the best terms so she trusted him more than me. At first, I saw it as a nice gesture but after reading a few of their texts, I just saw it as creepy. Wtf is this guy doing messaging another child? Then it hit me, my sister is the same age as me when he first saw me and is perhaps doing the same thing. I couldn’t do anything about it but I kept watch a lot in secret. Thanks to the pandemic they don’t see each other as often and my sister stopped messaging him as often.
Other than these creepy weirdos, there were also some minor characters like a guy that stalked me to my house when I had a photoshoot outside. A guy that made art of me who I thought was just a nice gentlemen but ended up stalking me on all my social media platforms, making multiple accounts after I block his primary one. A photographer that wanted me to take a top less photoshoot despite me not consenting to it, and he had the audacity to be mad. And a guy that also stalked me on all my social media platforms and tried to include me in a business seminar with him and I didn’t even know who he was. Not to mention the guys that just comment on every single post you make. It’s honestly so creepy and tiring. I want them to stop. I know making my profile private is a thing but I have to make it public because I’m an artist and stuff and exposure is important. I know better now but looking back, I just want to give all those men a good kick in the balls. Not seriously of course but you know what I mean.
I don’t wanna become a femcel (I think that’s what they’re called) and just start hating all men. It doesn’t help that I’m in fashion school and all I see are women with an exception of 1-2 guys. I also studied in a segregated high school and only interacted with guys on rare occasions. They’re starting to feel like a foreign breed to me and the only lasting feelings they left on me are disgust and anger. I do have a few guy friends but I don’t talk to them as often anymore. Idk what to do, especially with this COVID situation. Plus, living in an Asian household with strict af parents def doesn’t help. I know that these men don’t represent all of them (maybe just most of them) but I believe that there are good ones out there. Don’t give up.

Tomorrow bb girl will be 5 weeks old! I love her so much it's literally insane. Had a little down time this afternoon to catch up on emails so I wanted to share a couple things I wish I'd known and things that are working for us :) FULL DISCLOSURE I'm not a doc or nurse, I'm just a FTM surviving during a flippin pandemic! What works for some doesn't work for all, I hope this is helpful but take it or leave it.
We were given a bottle warmer as a gift and honestly it makes the milk too hot! Bb seems to prefer it pretty much room temperature.
The baby bottle drying rack is an absolute must have (or you could just get a second normal drying rack). I have a little system going on in the kitchen--I keep a small microwave safe container next to the bottle rack and throughout the day, fill it with pacifiers and bottle nipples that need to be cleaned. I let them soak with soapy water then when it's full, rinse it all then fill it with clean water, microwave for 3 minutes, then into the drying rack they go. I also keep a large tupperware of clean pacifiers next to my set up.
We got a small inexpensive rechargeable white noise machine that she seems to like (and we do too!) after she arrived.
We have a boppy lounger and I can't tell if it's a blessing or a curse. She loves to sleep in it but I wonder if that makes it harder for her to sleep in her bassinet or crib when we need her to.
We have a couple different wraps (solly, ring sling) and I use them a little bit but I don't leave the house much (freezing temps, snow and covid) so I don't have too much need for them right now but it's good to practice and get comfortable with them, they both take a little bit of finesse.
We got a pretty cheap strollecar seat off amazon and at first we had the stroller at a really bad angle for a newborn and were super discouraged but after some googling I figured out how to adjust it and now it's great and we feel confident using it.
before bb I had the changing table in the nursery, not in our bedroom. Terrible idea. We now have it in our bedroom and I also set up an additional changing area in the nursery (I bought another contoured changing pad and popped it on a small random table we had, would be fine on a dresser, desk, anything waist or counter height--bathroom would be a great place for this if you have room). A lot of people (including my FIL and other relatives) gave me a hard time about buying a changing table in general and said things like "youll never use it you'll just change her on the floor!" especially having had a c-section, I can't imagine NOT having the changing table. It's at the perfect height for me, plus it has storage for outfits, diapers, wipes, etc. Changing table or dresser is an absolute must IMO.
I can't stress this enough--declutter and organize your house as much as possible before baby.
I'm not sure why people are sooo crazy about making sure the new parents have like a years supply of frozen meals... we had so many relatives drop stuff off for us and half of it got thrown out because we couldn't eat it in time and it was in the fridge. Easy stuff like sandwich fixins, soup and pasta are really helpful to have around. We got a lot of takeout early on but hey, with the pandemic who HASN'T been getting a lot of take out this past year? Now that I'm feeling mostly back to normal, I'm fine making easy dinners for us. Basically--you're not going to starve, you don't need months and months worth of frozen meals, unless that's just how you roll already. Also keep in mind that if you're going to pump and build a stash, you want space in the freezer!
I was so scared to give her a bath and our ped told us newborn + winter = wipe downs/sponge baths were fine so I avoided it... until the first major poop explosion (with simultaneous epic spit up) at about the 4 week mark. She screamed bloody murder but it was totally fine and after the initial shock she really seemed to calm down (also used a lavender baby wash).
We live in a really cold place so we got a thick fleece suit for her to wear outside over her regular full length onesies and she LOVES that thing so much, it seems to help her sleep too. She doesn't love being swaddled because she likes to have her arms up so the fleece thing is amazing. It's tricky because you're not supposed to put a blanket on them while they're sleeping so we like this for keeping her warm (again, we live in a super cold place and winter here is no joke). We have the halo sleep sack and a couple other velcro closure wraps but nothing compares to the fleece suit.
I am breast feeding but was prepared for the possibility of it not going well so I already had formula, a mixing pitcher and bottles before she was born. Breastfeeding is going great but we are supplementing to help her gain weight. I was also super intimidated to start using the pump (IDK why) but now I have a routine--I pump first thing in the morning while dad gives her a bottle, nurse throughout the day, pump again if she's taking a long nap in the afternoon, then she gets another bottle right before bedtime, then I nurse her throughout the night as she wakes up. It's probably 70/30 breast to bottle.
This kid freakin loves the carseat and car rides. Dad takes her to starbucks in the morning after giving her a bottle so that I can get some sleep and it works out perfectly for us--she goes to sleep in the car and STAYS asleep after getting home!
I got all the newborn detergent and prewashed everything and was doing her laundry separately but after the first few weeks I completely gave up and just do the laundry for all 3 of us together with regular free and cleagentle detergent. They make a lot of messes but all their stuff is so small it would take a while to get to a full sized load of just baby stuff so I just said screw it. Speaking of stuff... I did not buy nearly enough bassinet and crib sheets! I underestimated how much babies spit up. We have about 8 different sheets for the bassinet (same for crib) and that's a good amount.
Recovery is hard. The first week was miserable physically, and the second week was miserable mentally (and still a little bit physically lol I had a c-section). But after that 2 week mark, my baby blues completely cleared up and my incision felt sooo much better and things were starting to get easier. If you can, try to walk a lot and get fresh air and sunshine. Don't feel guilty doing things for yourself (a shower, a face mask, big glass of wine while dad gives a bottle, getting out of the house by yourself for a bit) because a healthy baby doesn't happen without a healthy mama! As soon as I was cleared to drive (and luckily hubby was still on leave) I left the house for about 2 hours... didn't do anything exciting just ran some errands and it felt so good to just exist as an adult human for a little bit without anyone needing me. I'm dying for a mani pedi and will try to treat myself to that soon, since my hands are super dry and gross from constantly washing stuff (I call it "baby side work" if you ever worked in a restaurant you know what I'm talking about! lol).
In the last few weeks before baby, do a big shop for household stuff and set up amazon subscriptions for stuff like batteries (lots of baby stuff needs em), vitamins, coffee, dish soap, paper towels/TP, laundry detergent, trashbags, etc etc. We also used paper plates and plastic cutlery the first few weeks which was huge--being fresh off a c-section, the less work you create for yourself the better.
Pre-pay bills if you can or turn on autopay, the last thing I was thinking about these past 5 weeks was checking in on my finances!
The birth certificate goes through town hall where I live... it took us a while to figure this out, our pediatrician and ob both didnt know that somehow.
I stupidly took breastfeeding advice from my male pediatrician (biggest eye roll of my life) and god damn. He told me that the milk is richest in the first 5 or so minutes of feeding on each side, then after that she's just getting "skim milk" and nursing for comfort, so just do 5 minutes each side and that would be good. WRONG. The problem with this is that if she doesn't empty the breast completely, it doesn't signal your body to make more (or something like that, seriously I'm not an expert). Basically I was so excited to hear this advice and practice it because by this logic, you can spend much less time breastfeeding and more time keeping up w all the other baby chores... but that's not how it works at all. I think this caused me to have a little bit of a drop in my supply, but I was able to turn it around with lots of pumping and long nursing sessions. The more time you spend nursing/pumping, the more milk you have, plain and simple. I also wake my baby up during the day to feed her if it's been too long (basically every 2 to 3 hours), OR, I pump if I feel a let down and shes still asleep or just had a bottle. The more she eats during the day, the easier things are for us over night. Pumping is great but nursing is really the only sure fire way to stimulate a let down for me.
Sometimes the baby just cries and that's okay. I go through my little crying checklist: diaper, hungry, wants to be held, needs to be burped/belly rub for gas, change position, wants to be bounced/rocked, add or remove clothing, change environment, pacifier... and occasionally none of those things do the trick and she just cries for a little bit.
DIY pumping bra: cut vertical slits where your nips are in an old sports bra. Boom, saved $20.
My husband found a really amazing idea on the gram: create an email account for your baby and throughout her childhood, send pictures and notes to it. Then give her the password at a certain age. Such a smart, sweet idea.
Lastly--newborns are really hard. It's exhausting, overwhelming and boring all at once. I worry about her all the time, and I'm sure I will worry about her FOREVER, but as a newborn, you're worried about literally keeping them ALIVE, and they can't communicate with you. Up until very recently, all her cries sounded the same so I mostly had no idea what I was doing--so I created my crying checklist (diaper, hungry, wants to be held, bounced/rocked, too hot/cold, change position, change environment, pacifier). The beginning is just about survival (for the whole family). She's growing and changing every day so as soon as I feel like I'm establishing a routine, it changes! Enjoy your time with baby, laugh at all the cute stuff they do, take lots of pictures, and try to just go with the flow/relax.
hope this is helpful! feel free to ask me any c-section, postpartum, nursing or baby questions :)
EDIT: adding 2 more items to the list!
I felt super pressured to buy a rocking chair and I literally have not used it once. The lesson here is that if you don't feel like you will use something, don't buy it just because it's on a million baby lists.
We did buy an infant scale and that was a great investment (it was only like $40 or something). We're doing telemed appts with our ped because of covid so we need to track her weight at home.

I feel like I need to get this off my chest but I also kind of need advice for handling it. I really love her and I wouldn't want to leave her. If there's a way I can help her, she really deserves it. She never struck me as the type of person to do something like this or even have mental problems that would bring her to do something like this. Now it's really really messing with me and I'll need help getting through it. Even seeing things about pregnancy or best friends triggers the hell out of me... I can't even go to work and trust people or talk to anyone who we saw at school or look at memes.... I have live with no friends or no one to talk to but now there's no trust. If this counts as a catfish, then I got catfished in real life.
She's literally the only family I've had besides for my boyfriend.. We met through a big mix of friends who were at the breakfast and lunch table. I'm a few years younger than her though she was in high school with me for 3 years because she would miss a lot of school and get held back due to her own family problems. Back then 3 years was a long long time, just because I was going through so much, constantly getting kicked out of my moms or dealing with her drunk boyfriend and moved in and out of the foster home because of physical abuse and things like that. She was there through everything. She was my role model, my hero like a mom to me, literally like a god. She would always bring food to school help with my medical problems and give very genuine consider advice. Never judge me for anything no matter how big of a nerd I was. She's literally my big sister. Even after she graduated and moved away, she still supports me online 6 years since we first met. She became my sister, but as lot of times she was actually like my mom and I called her mom and it felt so special and genuine and she would hold me just like you imagine a mom would....
The thing was, back in high school about a year after we met, she started talking more and more about a best friend. (I never met this best friend but of course through genuine daily conversation, I just didn't have reason to question his existence. ) He eventually became so important she was talking about dating him and she has a lot of pictures of them, and he and I would talk online in a meme group with her and other people at school. Cool enough. I never went anywhere and this is a really big city with many schools, and she was popular with so many people, so I really didn't question anything as long as she was happy and safe. Eventually that conversation gradually turned into them being in love. I was happy for them but a shit ton of stuff was happening for me and I was going through a lot with my mom's boyfriend. Her support still came in and both of them would send me money and things, so he became like family to me too. She helped me through my first sexual experiences, a pregnancy scare, my mom's boyfriend's abuse, me losing my little brother, everything. He was also by my side. When my boyfriend hit me and blackmailed me and I got suicidal, she was EVERYTHING, she'd come over at 3 in the morning if I needed it.
Her senior year came along. She was definitely going to be graduating that year and she also had some plans for college. I was a junior and I was kind of sad but I was already coming to terms with the senior thing and I knew she would still have my back. I knew her boyfriend would have my back too, especially when she revealed that he proposed to her and they were engaged. This was my first positive exposure to marriage with science for all my fantasies, so I can't explain how excited I was for them. January rolled around and before Christmas break ended, she stopped by to bring me some presents, and told me something that made me super super super happy-- she was almost a month pregnant! Everyone at school eventually knew about this within the first few months and she was so proud about it, of course I have no reason to doubt it. She would tell me all about her pregnancy and all this cool stuff about her life, both of us ended up making some new friends, and whenever her boyfriend was working a lot shall I would have movie nights and things like that. As her belly grew, we would go baby shopping like sisters and eventually I forced her to let me buy her some baby clothes as a present using one of my compensation checks. Same with food, eventually she caved in. She was now out of contact with her family and starting a new one and she was getting her life completely on and all she had to do was graduate, I was very very proud of her. She had all these amazing ultrasounds and it was all so beautiful, she gained a little weight but carried it very well. She caved in and eventually let our mutual friend give her massages and feed her and everything.
Graduation came. She was six months along. She got me my support kitty, who I still have and live to death and even named after an inside joke. For whatever reason, she ended up not attending graduation. No big deal even though it was a lot of money and time spent planning for me to get myself and a few other friends there. I knew she'd graduated and I just assumed she wasn't feeling well. But not only did she disappear from graduation, she basically fell off the face of the Earth physically. I never saw her anywhere around or her to literally anything about her from anyone else, even though she never change her City on Facebook which she's very active on and even listed online jobs. Her only existence was on my screen and she would answer maybe a few times a week, sometimes every day, sometimes not at all. Though she always tells me that she loves me and she is very very supportive and I always have what I need. Eventually in the Summer she did have her baby and nobody even knew about it until she posted online, which I understand because she's had a lot of problems with her family and did have problems with a few people at school. She can have stopped posting on Facebook for a while, posting maybe once a month and stopped using her other social media. She's only had maybe five pictures of her baby, even in private messaging.
About a year-and-a-half later, the fall after I graduated, life really wasn't going well for me. The only thing I had to look forward to was her revealing that she was pregnant again! She just found out that she was almost 3 months and everything was going very well for her. Needless to say, no post on Facebook, the birth of this baby was the same exact same as last time. Since this one was a girl in fact, she would be named after me! The middle name would be the nickname that she gave me and I practically graduated my role as her baby girl and let it go to a second child who I knew would have an amazing parent.
They started coming in regular contact with me almost everyday since their kids were one and two and she was a stay-at-home mom. Constant support, constant good advice and comfort, 3 a.m. phone calls whenever I need it, food whenever I need it even though it's sparingly, her giving me a ride to work when I need it. Now that I look back on it, should have two babies sleeping in the car with blankets over the seats, and of course I would listen like a small bean and I wouldn't have any reason to doubt her or make her parenting difficult.
All that being said, am I allowed to see the babies when awake? No. None of our friends are. There's always some kind of excuse despite her being a stay-at-home mom. Do you know why? Tuesday evening, I was on Facebook. I commented asking for another picture and talking about how cute they were and everything. I noticed all her boyfriends old comments, which would be him answering other people's questions on her behalf, we're all deleted. Because his account didn't exist. Deleted account Maybe? Now that I think about it, probably suspended because it's fake with no way to verify it. I was asking people have to get in contact with them and they had literally no way to contact. I want as far to message someone who worked in the same place he was talking about working at, and they had no idea who it was. Nobody who works there at the idea who he was and so did nobody at the school he went to. Just amazing.
The pictures also had comments from her cousin, who is extremely blunt because she is special needs and obviously doesn't know about this whole sham. Comments were saying things like "There's the cutie dolly! She finally came! Etc" normal for her, and then one stood out --- "did you see those baby's that are like the baby alive they eat and make sounds but there for adults and I know your just the avid collector so are we expecting one of those next month??? :)" .... Yeah, that didn't sound right to me, at all.
I looked through more and finally noticed what once felt a little off. They have the same positions each time or have pictures that hide their hands/etc, all pictures of them sleeping, which adds up to more suspicion. I went back to the post with the cousin's comment, and it was deleted, but not before someone else from school could comment asking wtf.
I went ahead and messaged her grandma, who had made a Facebook a while back ago, and was the only family she mentioned in a positive light. Turns out, she's living with her grandma, lost her job (because of her boss committing a felony and assault), has no money for school except for the college classes she did, has gotten in trouble for harassment and sexual misconduct, just living a shitty life in an efficiency with nobody except me and two friends she keeps in touch with, and being a mom to her baby dolls. I asked about boyfriend and grandma wouldn't say much but she did relay that there was a guy by the same name she used to have a lot issues with who she currently stalks and hacks..... His current girlfriend told me that he's told her about him being sexually harassed by and lied about. But girlfriend is also a huge drama queen, by the impression I used to get from her.
I have never felt so low myself, let alone knowing my only family member who helped through EVERYTHING imaginable is now and has always been lower than anyone I know...
Everything was taken from me last night. My family and the person I trusted most, the only person I trusted in my entire life. I don't even know what's real and what's not and I keep looking back at everything that wasn't and there's no cutoff to it.... She is obviously sick but I don't know what to do for myself or for her.
Tl;dr: she was my best friend and the only one I could ever trust, going through sex and abuse and grief. Her boyfriend and her became like family in my darkest hour, and Tuesday it all had been ripped from me. Her babies and her entire life are fake as fuck, she's went out of her way to deceive me and everyone, and her boyfriend was probably her catfishing me (based on a boy she may have harassed and now stalks to the extreme). After all she's done for me to keep me physically safe and taken care of as well as emotionally supported, I am now deeply concerned and she deserves any help I can give her. I don't know how to help. I don't know how to move on for myself. Even seeing things about pregnancy or best friends triggers the hell out of me... I can't even go to work or talk to anyone who we saw at school or look at memes....

Trauma can be a bitch. That's something I learned quite late as I'd been living a rather sheltered life. My home is a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, which admittedly can sound boring or even suffocating to some. Though to me it was the perfect paradise.
I grew up in a home filled with love and affection on a street with a dozen more similar houses. All beautiful on the outside with bright green lawns and whimsical mailboxes.
I lived alone with my mum and my dad but that was perfectly fine because our neighbors had children as well. We had everything you could ever wish for. All the best toys that they showed in ads on TV. I was one of the first kids who had a Nintendo and later on a Playstation. My friends and I had a treehouse where we spent all our free time reading comic books and novels. We were fairly normal in all the typical ways.
Those children had always been my very best friends and one of them even became my girlfriend and very soon in the future hopefully my wife. Mabel and I moved out of our childhood homes two weeks ago and into our own little dream house not far from our parents. I realize most adults want to leave at a certain point to find their own future but we'd always known that ours was right here. In Appleton. A place where you know all of your neighbors and never feel out of place. Most people I know never left.
No, that's not perfectly true. Nobody I know has. I never wanted to either and I never questioned my life. I never had a reason to. Questions are not necessary when everything is clear. And I swear it was for the longest time.
Until I found the tapes.
And you see that's the thing with critical thinking. You are fine and well without it but then you start asking one question and then there's no going back. If you choose to be skeptical, well it will make you go crazy. And I had opened the door for it.
I asked enough questions to find out a terrible truth about myself.
--
Like most children born in the middle of the nineties, I had most of my life recorded on tape after mum and dad bought a video recorder when I was three or four years old. My parents filmed school graduations, football matches, picnics and of course every birthday. I remember we used to watch the tapes quite regularly when I was younger. Sometimes I'm not even sure if the memories I have of my childhood stem from those films or my brain. But then one day our VHS recorder broke down, we hadn't switched from tapes to DVDs and over the years kind of forgot those tapes in their dusty boxes in the basement.
When I found the old VHS recorder with Mabel's stuff I was ecstatic. I hadn't thought about my childhood films in quite a while but now I could not wait to watch them. I walked the five minutes to my parents right away. They both weren't home but I still had my key and went to pick up the boxes from the basement.
I looked through the tapes which all had different things written on them and picked the one that said Jamie 99 - X.
I shoved in the tape and after rewinding for a little while, I pressed play.
The first video was of my fourth birthday. I saw mum and dad dressed in bright sweaters and high-waisted jeans. They were smiling and laughing while dad was lighting the candles on my cake. My friends and I were sitting around the table impatiently waiting for the cake. There were some other neighbors as well, I guess one of them was filming.
The thing that stood out to me though was this one boy. He looked a little older than me but I'd never seen him before in my life. He had dark hair and very fair skin. His arm was around my shoulder and he was pointing at the candles on the cake. It seemed normal and fine at first but then the boy looked into the camera. He started staring and didn't stop. His gaze became uncomfortable and strange until it changed the whole atmosphere of the tape. The camera person started zooming in on my face so he wouldn't be in the picture anymore.
It felt so odd to me because I'd never met a real stranger. Everyone here knows everyone after all. I recognized the tiny versions of my other friends but not him. So who did this boy grow up to be?
I continued watching my fifth birthday. This time it was a garden party with the same people.
Including the boy.
Again, he was plastered to me. It seemed like we were very close. But while everyone was laughing and being cheerful, his face looked anxious. When the camera came close to him he'd start staring again. I took a picture of it on my phone so I could zoom in closer but I simply wasn't able to recognize who he was.
I went on with the following birthday's and they were the same. Only on the seventh one I finally started noticing a clue as to who this boy might be.
When everyone started singing happy birthday to me, the strange boy again stared at the camera and mouthed something. I rewind to that exact moment again and again. It felt critical to me to figure out what he was saying. I can't quite explain why but something about him was pulling me in. I turned up the volume as high as I could.
Happy birthday was blasting through my home. And when everyone was singing "happy birthday dear Jamie," I believe I heard what the strange boy was singing instead.
Luca.
I played the scene a few more times until I was sure. He was singing for Luca.
"What is this noise?" I heard Mabel shout as he shut the door behind her.
I quickly turned down the volume.
"Sorry, love," I laughed. " I found these old tapes and got a little carried away."
Mabel came closer and sat down right next to me.
"No way! Look how little you are!" She started laughing.
"Yeah and there's you! Your hair was still blonde then."
As we continued watching the tape, it suddenly went to my eighth birthday.
"He's gone," I whispered.
Mable looked at me with a confused look. I went back to the moments that showed the little boy.
"This boy. He was at all my other birthdays. Do you know who he is?"
Mabel shook her head.
"Probably someone's cousin," she smiled. "I'm gonna get some water, do you want anything?"
I shook my head, unable to keep my eyes from the screen. After a while, I don't remember how much time had passed, I heard a familiar voice behind me.
"It's not nice to take something without asking."
I turned around to the strangely uncomfortable face of my mother. My dad was right next to her with frowned brows.
"We watched these films when we needed to. You don't need them anymore now, do you?" My father asked.
Mabel was standing behind them with the same smile she had when she left to go to the kitchen earlier. I guess it was an excuse to call my parents though I didn't understand what suddenly had happened.
"Yeah, sorry I guess. Just wanted to check out my old-" my eyes went back to the screen. Why did I feel so mesmerized by it?
"Well then, sweet boy. If you insist on re-watching the past at least pick a more stimulating film."
"Film?" I asked.
My mother started rummaging through the tapes and finally chose one she felt comfortable with.
Jamie's Happy Times 2004 - 2008
It was a recording of my parents and me as we went to a park nearby. We were feeding ducks and later on, other children joined us. All my friends were there including my girlfriend. In the back of my mind, I was still thinking of Lucas but the nostalgia suddenly took over. It had been a happy time back then. It still was a happy time.
The four of us continued watching the tape which showed different moments of my life. Most of them together with friends and family. Only Mabel started disappearing in the later parts of the video.
"Weird. I could swear you were there all the time when everyone else was," I whispered towards her.
"I have my own life and family too, you silly goose. I can't be everywhere at once, now can I?" She said without looking away from the screen.
I finally looked away from the tape. Mable was acting particularly odd that day.
"But your parents are right there," I said.
She didn't respond to that.
"Oh well, it has gotten awfully late, hasn't it? You had your fun, Jamie. I believe it is time you get back to reality," my mother instructed as she turned off the tape. My father started collecting all the other ones and they walked towards the door.
"Can't we keep them here? You don't have a VHS anyway," I said.
Dad looked at me with a strict but friendly face.
"Well, alright boy. But do not spend all night looking at the past. You need to focus on your future too."
My mum kissed me on the cheek. She always does that but I could swear this time her lips stayed on my cheek longer than usual.
When I went back to look through the tapes again, I noticed dad had left all except for the birthday tape.
--
The following day the thought of that strange boy and the evening with my parents and Mabel didn't let go of me.
When I woke up, Mabel was in the kitchen making coffee.
"Oh good morning, sweetheart. Did you have some nice dreams?" She smiled from ear to ear.
"Mabel, who is Luca?" I asked directly.
For a second, her smile disappeared. She let the coffee spoon fall to the ground.
"I never heard that name in my life. Is that a boy or a girl?" She asked as she had collected herself again. However, she didn't even wait for my response.
"The boy in the tape. You said he might be someone's cousin."
Mabel tilted her head like she didn't know what I was talking about.
"I only know the cousin of Jessica Blitz. His name is Eli-"
"I fucking know Eli. I'm talking about the boy in that tape," I said in a raised voice which I regretted shortly after. Mabel looked scared.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get loud."
"That's fine, love. It's just that I don't know what you're talking about. We didn't watch any birthday tapes."
I sat down by the kitchen table.
"Are you okay?" Mabel asked in a concerned tone.
I didn't respond.
"Do you want me to call your parents and ask if they have any tapes of your birthdays?".
Mabel called my parents and put them on speakerphone. Not only did they agree that we never watched any tapes of my birthdays, but my father also said the only tapes we have of my birthday parties start somewhere around 2005. They lost the other one ages ago.
I almost believed them. I really did.
They spoke in such a kind and loving manner, that it wouldn't have occurred to me that they would ever lie. Except, I still had a picture of that boy on my phone. A photo of him sitting right next to me with a cake in front of us. A cake with six candles.
--
I didn't trust either Mabel or my parents with the question and so I started asking other friends. The ones that were at the parties as well.
None of them remembered the boy.
If he was someone's friend or cousin, then someone would have remembered him right?
I decided to visit my parents and ask them directly about what was going on. This time with the proof of the photo.
I knocked on the door and mum opened it. She smiled but in the corner of her eye, I believe I saw a tear.
"Everything alright, mum? Can I come in?" I asked.
"But of course you can! You are always welcome here!" She called out enthusiastically but shook her head at the same time.
For a moment I hesitated. Something seemed wrong but before I could take a step back, my father appeared behind the door.
"Jamie! Come in boy, we need to talk to you about something."
I followed my parents to the living room where they were sitting with Mabel and Frank, one of my friends. They were both smiling but their eyes looked sad.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"Sit down, sweetheart," my mother instructed.
"Look, honey. We haven't been honest with you. Not because we want to hurt you, quite the opposite!" Mabel said.
"I told your parents about the picture.. about Luca," Frank chimed in.
My father sat down next to me.
"We wanted to keep this from you to spare your poor soul. The boy was a friend of yours. Your best friend even but- I'm not sure how to say this so I will just try to be blunt. He died. And the death was partially your fault."
"What?"
My mum sat down as well and started stroking my hair.
"You didn't mean to. You went swimming in the lake and then you pushed him. It was only supposed to be a joke but he never came back up."
I stayed still. I heard the words but they made no sense. I didn't have a single memory of that.
"Sometimes your brain makes you forget something that traumatic. Just know that we don't blame you."
"Who are his parents?" I asked.
My parents exchanged a look. Nobody said a word at first. Then, at the same time, Mabel and my father started speaking.
"They moved away-"
"They live down the road-"
"Down the road? Are you stupid?" My father hissed.
"We could've asked someone. You screwed it up!" She shouted back.
I got up from my seat.
"What's going on?"
Now they were all looking at me.
"Frank. You can go. Get everyone else. I suppose it's time."
"Time for what?"
My best friend got up and walked outside. Dad grabbed my wrist tightly.
"Your mother thought you were doing so perfectly well that we could keep you the way you were, but I told her you were still human! And they always mess it up eventually," my father said. "You see, boy. We came to this place a long time ago, hoping to learn how the world works so we could have our version of it. We built up Appleton ourselves but we needed something special. Children! We needed to learn how they grow up so we could make our own little versions. You did so well and many other children did. But we made some mistakes. Some of the children we collected were too old already. They remembered their real parents. At least partially. But we have improved. Just look at you! You were a perfect example. You have ripened just as we needed you to."
He kept speaking but the words made no sense to me. Until I remembered that the tapes started in 1999. Four years after I was born.
Of course, children that young don't remember anything but the rest of my childhood was blurry as well.
"Who was the boy?"
Dad shrugged.
"We found him in the playground with you."
"Are you even the same girl as the one on those tapes?" I shouted at Mabel. My entire existence was falling apart in front of me.
Mabel shrugged.
"Does it matter if I am perfectly correct? I mean, imagine you were a copy. Would it really matter? I don't think it would. I feel fine. No, actually, I feel great."
"Do you want to feel great as well, Jamie?" My mother asked. It was the first thing she said. She didn't wait for my response. Instead, she grabbed my hand.
"Welcome the others. I will prepare him outside."
She continued to pull me towards the garden.
I wondered if I should fight her but I wasn't even sure where I would go. Dad and Mabel were inside and Frank was probably on his way with all the neighbors. I was alone in the garden with the woman I thought of like my mother. Though in reality, she was my kidnapper.
"I never killed that boy, did I?" I asked, clenching my fist so I would shake less.
She shook her head.
"You shouldn't have started asking questions. They were accepting you," a tear rolled down her face.
She went through her pocket and I thought she was going to cut me or do hell-knows-what. But instead, she gave me a key as she guided me towards the garage.
"Take it and drive. As far as the gas will take you. Never come back."
My hands were trembling.
"Mum, what is going on?"
"Marden That's where we found you, Luca" she looked towards the house with fear in her eyes. "Now, go! They will be here soon and if they get their hands on you, it won't be pretty."
---
In the matter of a day, my entire life had fallen apart. Everything I believed in was a lie. The years with my girlfriend. My entire childhood. I had been living in something so right, I should have known it was wrong.
I drove as far as I could. Of course, nobody believed a word of what I was saying at first but in that town called Marden I found help. They say I made up this tale as a response to an incredibly traumatic event but I know that's not true.
I've been looking for Appleton ever since. Those creatures probably never stopped collecting their special children.
There is no map with the small town of Appleton on it, no proof of its existence online. I don't know what to do next. All I have left of that place is the photo I took of the boy who tried to warn me.
And I truly hope he managed to escape back then.
​
tcc

I’ve been sitting on this for a week because I’m still in shock over this, frankly.
Title. I've been working at Campus Residences as an office assistant since the campus evacuated back in March. Since then I've been able to realize how money-driven and cold the environment can be. There is a disgusting tendency to doubt the student which I'm going to lay out in this post. Additional, unrelated incident included.
I want to say that honestly, I loved my time at CampRes, I was very good at my job, and despite the negative environment, I really believed in the people I worked with. They do, generally, incredible work, and put in tireless hours to make sure this gigantic university can run smoothly. It’s not an easy job. Throughout the campus lockdown I was fortunate to see these people working incredibly hard to recover from huge losses and take serious consideration into students’ safety. Their response wasn’t perfect and I was clearly able to see the impact of certain decisions on the student population through the phone calls I took. Frankly, I still believe the environment of the department can change, but it would take some serious examination of the power structures between residential faculty and residents. That being said. I have some ugly things to say.
If you are coming in as a student you are viewed immediately with doubt. There's been so many times a student has called with simple questions about billing, housing, move-in, etc, and everyone is so quick to either brush them off to another department or doubt them entirely. I'll ask for a student's billing/housing history, and instead of simply pulling it up, the senior staff will argue, asking why they need to know this information, if they’ve tried to look it up themselves (which they almost always have), say some unrelated policy which isn’t relevant to the situation, and then they’d usually finish with a snarky comment about how the student wanted to get money, or that they could easily search it up on the website. Oftentimes, I’d find these comments off-putting, especially with these adults who never really had the full picture as they’d never even spoken to these students. It felt like this information which students had the right to was being gatekept behind these staff that needed to hear just the right story. I had to learn how to perfect my pitch to my administrators to get these students what they needed.
I’d like to point to a specific incident - I’m going to try to take out as many identifying details as possible because honestly, I still get so uncomfortable thinking about this and I’d hate to put anyone in any sort of discomfort by disclosing this information. A student’s parent called saying their student's (cultural) needs weren’t being met by our meal plans. They were claiming to be unable to eat and had this parent bringing in meals. This isn’t exactly a campus housing issue, it’s done through FSA, but to get off the meal plan, a student would have to be put into a cooking building, making this also a campus residences issue! Interesting how overlap works.
Anyways, anyone I tried to speak to about this (as our housing lockdown basically put it out of the students’ hands where they lived at this point, moving was nearly impossible) tried to write it off as not our issue, trying to send them to different departments. Campus residences wouldn’t move them until they got approval from FSA saying their needs truly couldn’t be met (which is a conflict of interest as FSA has a monetary gain in keeping students in their meal plans), making them go to their cultural advisor on this subject - frankly, I found this invasive as helllllll, I won’t get into the policy too much as I don’t know a lot and my memory is a little fuzzy but the whole time I was honestly disgusted at how tossed around and doubted this family was getting. They had called several times over a couple weeks at this point, when my superior told me that if I wanted to transfer them over, he could “end the call quickly”. I was disgusted and told him I didn’t want that, I wanted these people to get the help they needed. I was nearly fired and put on probation over this. I was told I didn’t have the full picture, that this student could eat, they just didn’t want to, etc, etc. I never heard from them again. This all could have been avoided if instead of getting layers of approval to make this student’s life more difficult, in hopes of making them give up so the university can get $2000, campus residences had simply moved the student to a cooking building. But since students are all inherently money-driven, that’s not gonna happen without layers of proof.
This came to a boil when my new boss (who I found even less involved in student affairs, rarely having a direct line of contact with students as well as limited knowledge of what’s going on in CR right now - she recently tried to tell me the RA application closed a while ago, it doesn't close for another week and a half :/) tried to comment on a student’s situation, who had asked for a return of their submission on a form that had been denied, just to see exactly what they had submitted - a reasonable request - saying, this student should be able to find it (they weren’t), they’re just wasting our time, something to that extent.
I was tired and at this moment one of the only people on the line talking to these students. I told her, “respectfully” - I won’t directly quote past that, but I was sure to start with respect - I think there’s a problem in this department to doubt the student, it makes my job a lot harder, and a lot of the time the people doubting don’t exactly know what they’re talking about or have the full picture. She got quiet. One of our superiors, one of the department heads, called me into their office to thank me for speaking up, and agreed that at the top, it can be really hard to see the students’ perspective. I felt good to have spoken up.
Two weeks later I was fired over this incident. Fired for, what was cited to me, as inappropriate comments.
This is unrelated, but petty, and raw. On 4/15/20, at 10:28 AM, I received a call from a student about our Gender Inclusive Housing program. I end the call successfully. At this point, Dr. Dallas Bauman, the former Assistant Vice President of Campus Residences, walks up to me, and says, "Gender inclusive housing? Tell them we don't house those weidos." I am the only openly transgender OA in the office and Dallas knows this as we've worked closely together in the past. I tell him that's not funny, and he makes some defense about how he was trying to make a joke or lighten the mood.
When I later brought this up to my boss, who ended up firing me, he told me that he was just trying to make a joke, and defended Dallas as a supporter of the program. Regardless of whether or not it was a joke, it was inappropriate - in fact, the fact that it's a joke to him is sickening to me. Anyways, my comment was too inappropriate for campus residences. I was told I was not a good fit, and was let go from my position.
Anyways, that's my story. I hope I captured it well enough. I don't know if I'm delusional or if I should have kept my mouth shut. Maybe I have too hopeful a view of the world and in a profit-driven university, I can't expect any different. But this, honestly, isn't a criticism of any specific policy - this is a criticism of the environment, and I think it's one the department can own up to by telling me my student-driven spirit is not a good fit.